Self-Esteem

I looked out the window of my silver BMW 323i. I mention this because it was one of my life's goals, to own a BMW by the time I was thirty, and here I was driving the sleek, leather-heat-seated, v6, speed machine and I didn't care, not one bit. In fact, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I eased the car into the parking lot of a Jack-In-The-Box (a fast food restaurant), my stomach was knotted and grumbling. I felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn't hungry, I was devastated. My life and my world, in three short weeks, hand toppled into one of my very worst nightmares. My fears chanting their, 'I told you soes,' in the deepest corners of my mind...

I had met Heidi in the fall of 1997, a beautiful blonde with long flowing hair and slim athletic features. She wasn't your average blonde, she was spectacular with a shy and sensual confidence, if that were possible. I was instantly intrigued. She had green hazel eyes, and when she smiled I felt like I had just been rewarded for something I had never done, could never achieve, and would never merit. She was brilliant.
I was eating lunch in the student center, at the time, with a friend of mine, Angela Long, a descendant of swedish immigrants, whose natural blonde hair could not have been imitated in the best of salons. A friend of my sister's and through introduction now a dear friend of mine, Angela had become a constant part of my life and a really close... well, close. We were talking about my sister and one of her recent relationships when Heidi walked passed. I had never seen her before and I stopped. I want to say that my heart did too, but honestly I can't remember what it did. I just know that at that moment I had to talk to that woman. "Excuse me." I called to her as she passed. She hesitated and I called again, this time I was rewarded with a thorough stop.
"Yes." She was holding her lunch tray. Her voice was a perfect fit, calm and soothing.
"Can you come over here for a second." She paused then crossed the isle and stood next to me.
"Yes."
"You have got to eat lunch with me." I heard the words pass my lips, as so often happens when you are me, before I had the chance to process how that one word or rather group of words would change the rest of my life.
Heidi sat down. I think Angela was finished eating...

... I struggled to smile as I wiped my eyes, and stole a glance in the rear view mirror. It revealed the peaceful slumber of one of God's greatest gifts to me. My daughter Arianna. She was and remains, in ever increasing proportion, amazing. There are not enough words to describe the sensations that my heart feels when I think about her. There are no motions the body can make to express the elation in my soul. (And to think, God loves me more than that...) Her head was leaning against the side of the car seat, her tiny little head...

... Was the first thing that I remember seeing when she was born. I wasn't going to look down in the "nether area" when Heidi was at work. I had vowed to myself that I would leave the business end to the doctors and to nature and focus on Heidi's face, which, clenched in the sweaty throws of anguished determination, remained beautiful. It wasn't until I heard the doctor exclaim. "There's the head!" that I hastily broke my vow and dove with eagerness into the new life that was entering the world. Sure enough, there was a little head, a tiny little head, with her eyes closed, wondering what in the world was happening to the world. I exclaimed in echo the sentiments that had been, only moments prior, uttered to perfection by our doctor, "There's the head. There's a head!" In response, the most amazing thing happened. Arianna opened her eyes and looked straight into mine. It was as if she heard my voice and she new me when I called. That was it. I melted like a tuna melt, like a stick of butter, like an ice-cream in Florida. I knew at that moment that I never ever wanted to let her down...

... I pulled the car into a vacant parking spot next to a white Audi A4. I say this because I had bought that car too and what was once something that excited me, had turned into something that made me tense and left my knees week. I looked at the woman driving the car, I knew who she was, but I didn't recognize her. She was stunning. Her blonde hair, now brown, fell down her back in waves of softness. Her green hazel eyes danced happily. I hadn't seen them do that in some time. She opened the door to the Audi and stepped out. I opened my door and went to hug her, but her arms stayed fixed to her side as though some unseen strong man were holding them tight. I couldn't understand what I had done. She turned her attention swiftly to Arianna, who had now awoken. My little girl stretched and smiled widely."Mommy!" She was eager to see her. Heidi put her in the Audi. "Did you have fun with Daddy?" I couldn't take any more. I left without a word, without saying goodbye to Heidi or to Arianna. I didn' look back. I was so broken and my heart so deeply torn that I honestly fought to just breath. It started to rain even as I pulled out of the parking lot. It was as though heaven itself was weeping with me. In the back of my mind I heard a still small voice say, "I love you." He was already fighting for me, but my crying was loud and the rain was heavy, and the engine roared as I sped into the storm.

No Luggage, No Problem!

What an amazing trip this has been so far. I left for Chile yesterday from Nashville, via Dallas and arrived here today. I had a hard time sleeping on the plane. You know what it's like having you knees brushing your gums. I just couldn't get comfortable. I woke up this morning to American Airlines breakfast service and had the pleasure of a bath in golden firebrand sunlight. The sky was a brilliant orange from the peaks of the snow covered Andes mountains to the apex of the sky. I was, and still am, in absolute awe of God's magnificent creation. I witnessed first hand the awesome height of Ojos del Salado, the America's, tallest mountain at 22,572 ft.
I flew down with, Tyler and Jamie, two great fellas from Nashville. We met in the airport and were immediate and fast friends. Tyler is a drummer and a darn good one. Jamie is a professional voice coach who travels the world teaching singing. We laughed the entire way to Chile and have not stopped since.
When we were almost in Chile they informed us that we would need to pay an entrance fee of $131.00. That was a nice surprise that I couldn't afford. I had transfered money to my account, but I could not access the funds yet because they has not posted. I had to get some help from Tyler. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't had extra money from his trip. Thank you Lord.
When we got to the baggage claim I found out they had lost my luggage and that they did not know when I would see it again. Who knows where my suitcase went. :) It became a joke that everyone shared that if anything started to stink it would more than likely be me.
Breakfast was great. We drove through Santiago and came to this beautiful house with a quaint garden and a small guest house. We had an incredible breakfast of breads and cheeses and juice. It was like being back in Europe for breakfast.
We spent the day at the church setting up and talking, sharing meals and laughing. I made everyone laugh for hours and hours. I love that. I got to practice my Spanish and met a you man who spoke French and we talked for about twenty minutes in French. It was the first time that I realized I could actually speak French.
I met a girl Christiana. She is the pastors daughter and we spent some time talking about Chile and America and life and it was great. She told me that I needed to go up on the roof and look at the mountains. I went up and was not disappointed. I sat gazing at the Andes, and the people below me talking, walking, loving, eating. There was on couple on a cement wall and I think that the guy was breaking up with her. It was sad because she buried her head in her hands and was crying. He was trying to be consoling, but she really didn't want anything to do with it.
I feel such a peace here. A closeness to God and the freshness of a new begging. I love how he seizes me in His awesome arms and squeezes the begeezez out of me.
After the events of the day I was taken to the home of Ruth Pillars and her son Exxe something or other. They are great people. Exxe is a 20 year old student enrolled in the aeronautical physics in Santiago. He and I became friends and share the evening talking. He was practicing his English and loved the chance to speak it with me. In return he worked with me on my Spanish, which is paltry to say the least. He bought me a tooth brush, underwear, and some clean socks.
I spent the evening talking with his mom and dad over lemon pie and hot tea. What an amazing day.

Chile

I've been asked by Musico a Musico, to come to Chile in August to teach a video production class and to do some shooting while I'm there. Wow, is all I could think to say. I love traveling and Santiago is somewhere I have always wanted to go. I did spend a couple of months in Ecuador and I have very very fond memories of that trip. I'll keep adding stuff about this post as it gets closer and closer to the date. Of course, right now is the dreaded, ask everyone I know for money time. It's my least favorite part of the whole process. I think it is because it is so humbling.

"Safe in the Father's Arms"

I have been reading from Steve Fry's book. "Safe in the Father's Arms. It's a fantastic book into the depths of suffering and walking through the disappointments that life can throw at us. I think many of us are brought up thinking that if we do good, honor God, and the church, and love Him with all of our hearts that we will be free from trials, loss, rejection, fear, and death. I love the verse, "It rains on the just and the unjust." It's very true that often times, when we are good or not, we must face our giants.
In chapter 16 "Forsaking it All." Steve gives us a really good look at the nature and character of Moses, and the nature and character of God. Moses had just come down from the mountain top and he carried with him the very laws of God. When he reached the bottom of the mountain, the people had made an idol to the Egyptian God's and had received the wrath of God in return for their sin.
After Moses had smashed the tables and vented his frustration onto the people he told them that he would speak with God and see if He would forgive them. Here enters that part that was really something I hadn't thought about until now. Moses asked God to forgive the people, then he said, but, if you can't forgive them, then blot my name out of your book... That was amazing. He was willing to endure eternity without God, for the sake of others. I wondered wether or not I would do something like that. If I knew the entire world would go to heaven, if I would go to hell. I don't know, but there was a lesson in this, that I really feel applies to me right now. Steve asks... " How does this speak to us? How do we bear the consequences of others' faults, mistakes, and sins? By patiently enduring their criticism, allowing them to vent their anger, while remaining kind and open-hearted so they will be emotionally released to find Jesus. By becoming the scapegoat, the one on whom the blame is laid, we can bring about reconciliation.
This was absolutely amazing to me because I am enduring something to which I feel this has tremendous application. a little over a year ago my wife left me. She never told me why originally, she tried explaining later and it had to do with her not feeling loved, feeling I was negative and pessimistic, and controlling. The ironic thing about those statements is that I am, in fact, none of those things. If you know me you might say, annoying at times, forgetful, loud, or unorganized, but of the afore mentioned, I found myself scratching my head. I realized, in the interim of the year that passed, this was not about me. It was about something that had gone on before that my wife had not fully dealt with and as a result of being forced, by the sheer nature of relationship, to examine herself and her feelings, she began to realize that she was truly discontent with who she was and in fact was, more to the point, miserable in our relationship. The feelings of maladjustment, she attributed to our relationship, and so the came to me. I became the reason.
Steve's note on Moses struck a chord with me. I had always asked God to help me love my wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That was it. It was time to love unconditionally, to allow her to express her anger, to criticize me, and place blame without reason and love her none the less. I love my wife so much, and I can think of nothing that I would rather do than run to her, scoop her up in my arms, and hold her, but I cannot. At this moment all I can do is love her, forgive her, and, at the present, bear the consequences of those mistakes in the hopes that it will bring about reconciliation. If not between us, then at least in her own life, that she can walk in freedom.

Family Tales

Can you remember where you were when you were growing up and your father told you a story? I hope you had that experience, as it was so foundational in my development. His story's often came to him as he told them and they were new and fresh and exciting. One of my favorite and most memorable occasions came when we were in England. My family had moved there when I was eight. My father was writing stories. We had traveled to Wales. As we were crossing the rolling hills, my mom spotted an especially large hill and at it's base a place to park and walk. My dad immediately followed her hand and pulled the car over. We walked to the top of that mountain. My sister, mother, dad, and me. On the top of the hill, sat, like enormous old men, stuffed from Thanksgiving, immense round rocks. It seemed odd that they had settled this hill top, as the trip to the top seemed more than a fat man would attempt. Yet, there they were, as if dropped from heaven, and on one of the rocks we sat. My young eyes peering in wide excitement at the green blanket stretching as far as I could see. A river, like a silver ribbon, wound its way among the hills. Dad pointed to a large bend where the river wrapped around so sharply that it nearly touched itself again, before veering off in a new direction. "There," He said, "Is where our story begins..." I remembered looking up at his face, ruddy from the cold air and the long climb, and smiling as he began the story of a small boy that lived in a cottage, on a river, by that bend. I became that boy, as I sat, mystified by the hero and his quest to find the reason his river was drying up. Of course, there was a dragon, there has to be a dragon, and as he masterfully worked the story until the sun began to get drowsy and nod its head, fighting to the bitter end to hear the fate of the boy. The ending never came. It was getting dark and the trip back to our car was a long one. I still haven't heard the end of the story, but my dad promised, that when my daughter was old enough, we would return to that hill and hear the rest of the story. For now, the river is dry and our hero frozen with the dragon that caused it all. I hope he can hold still long enough.

James 1

It seems a funny thing, pain. Trials come and we grow as they go. According to James we are to "Consider it pure joy my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, for we know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." It gives us endurance and endurance must work in order for us to become completely mature.

I was broken this past year. More so than I have ever been in my life. There was one point that my entire body ached and I cried so hard I couldn't make another sound. Then in the middle of my grief I heard the still quiet voice of God asking me to thank Him, thank Him for the pain. What? I'm sure I didn't hear you right. Thank you.... After a moment I decided I would do just that and I thanked Him for the pain I felt, for the rejection and the humiliation. Then, as if someone opened the doors to a giant cast iron stove, a warmth poured over me and I felt His presence flowing through me. I felt Him say. "This is my comfort, the Holy Spirit is my comforter. Pain is such an immense part of who God is, God is in the pain. And because I had never been brought to that place I could never experience such a vast part of who He is.

I think we spend so much time searching for things that make us happy. When what we should be doing is experiencing the things that are. When I cry, I feel, when I hurt, I feel, when I am wronged, I feel. All of these are experiences and emotions like happiness, that let me know that I am alive. A rock can never experience rejection. I can. I can listen to my heart as it breaks, as it seeks comfort, as it yearns to know why and how, and what. And through those experiences I can grow to become the man that God had made me to be. The man that, had we never sinned, I would be.

I had to force myself, but once I began to say the words. Thank you, and I began to rejoice in my sorrow. I felt release, and freedom, and hope, which leads to joy.

Regarding Heros

I was reading in my Bible the other night when I came across the story of Jonathan and his armor bearer and how they almost single handedly, with God's help of course, drove out the Philistines. 1 Samuel 14 I think. It was the simple yet profound interaction of the two men with their circumstance to which I gave pause.

“Let’s go across to the outpost of those pagans,” Jonathan said to his armor bearer. “Perhaps the Lord will help us, for nothing can hinder the Lord. He can win a battle whether he has many warriors or only a few!” NLT

Great faith. His armor bearer responds.

"Do all that you have in mind," his armor-bearer said. "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul." NIV

There was something in that for me. That a man would trust his friend and that he would follow him with both his heart and his soul. There were no reservations. He had set in his mind who he was, who God wasm and who Jonathan was and was willing to put his life in their hands.

It is what came after that really had me thinking.

Jonathan said, "Come, then; we will cross over toward the men and let them see us. 9 If they say to us, 'Wait there until we come to you,' we will stay where we are and not go up to them. 10 But if they say, 'Come up to us,' we will climb up, because that will be our sign that the LORD has given them into our hands." NIV

He didn't get down on his knees and offer some incantation. He simple said lets do this... If this happens then God is telling us this. If this, then God is telling us this. He acted and allowed God to dictate their actions. Jonathan knew that one way or the other God would be involved and cared enough for him to respond. That was so amazing to me. Declaring on earth that it may be bound and done in heaven.

Clay Walker "Fall"

I edited this music video with Revolution Pictures. My good friend Roman directed the video. He's really talented and it was an honor working with him on this project. You can check out the link in the bar on the right side of this blog. Peace

Boundaries

Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud: A great book so far. I started reading it when I went to visit my daughter's councelor to set up an appointment for her. I talked briefly about my life and she asked a few questions about my relationship with my wife. This book was recommended shortly after.

"People who own their own lives do not feel guilty about where they are going." How many times have I felt guilty. It came as no surprise to me, but more as an exciting revelation when I realized that a large amount of the guilt that I felt in life came from, I believe prior confrontations involving my behavior.

Largely I attribute it to my ADHD. I don't consider it to be a disorder it's merely an amazingly and rewardingly different view of life. Infact, I love being able to tell people that I have ADD. However, on countless occasions I found myself at the mercy of a higher authority who didn't understand me, couldn't control me, and had the authority to disipline me for precieved infractions to humanity, always insisting that I had potential, but never lived up to par. I got accustomed to being punished for things that I never considered and to this day do not consider to be bad. So if ever I began to feel happy or good, or was having too much fun I began to feel guity, certain that my actions were in some way destorying the universe.

I needed boundaries. I needed to think about what was going to be acceptable for me and what wasn't and for everyone else who was offended by my life. Sorry, you'll get over it... or you won't. But at least I will know where I begin and where I end.

"One sure sign of boundary problem is when your relationship with one person has the power to effect your relationship with others."

LORD: Man how often have I done that in my life? I know I've done it over and over again with Heidi. Might as well have given her a belt, a whip, and some gloves. I was always afraid of upsetting her. Not meeting her expectations. Losing her love. Help me set up a good line with her. Where else do I need boundaries?

"To be an adult means you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.