Self-Esteem

I looked out the window of my silver BMW 323i. I mention this because it was one of my life's goals, to own a BMW by the time I was thirty, and here I was driving the sleek, leather-heat-seated, v6, speed machine and I didn't care, not one bit. In fact, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I eased the car into the parking lot of a Jack-In-The-Box (a fast food restaurant), my stomach was knotted and grumbling. I felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn't hungry, I was devastated. My life and my world, in three short weeks, hand toppled into one of my very worst nightmares. My fears chanting their, 'I told you soes,' in the deepest corners of my mind...

I had met Heidi in the fall of 1997, a beautiful blonde with long flowing hair and slim athletic features. She wasn't your average blonde, she was spectacular with a shy and sensual confidence, if that were possible. I was instantly intrigued. She had green hazel eyes, and when she smiled I felt like I had just been rewarded for something I had never done, could never achieve, and would never merit. She was brilliant.
I was eating lunch in the student center, at the time, with a friend of mine, Angela Long, a descendant of swedish immigrants, whose natural blonde hair could not have been imitated in the best of salons. A friend of my sister's and through introduction now a dear friend of mine, Angela had become a constant part of my life and a really close... well, close. We were talking about my sister and one of her recent relationships when Heidi walked passed. I had never seen her before and I stopped. I want to say that my heart did too, but honestly I can't remember what it did. I just know that at that moment I had to talk to that woman. "Excuse me." I called to her as she passed. She hesitated and I called again, this time I was rewarded with a thorough stop.
"Yes." She was holding her lunch tray. Her voice was a perfect fit, calm and soothing.
"Can you come over here for a second." She paused then crossed the isle and stood next to me.
"Yes."
"You have got to eat lunch with me." I heard the words pass my lips, as so often happens when you are me, before I had the chance to process how that one word or rather group of words would change the rest of my life.
Heidi sat down. I think Angela was finished eating...

... I struggled to smile as I wiped my eyes, and stole a glance in the rear view mirror. It revealed the peaceful slumber of one of God's greatest gifts to me. My daughter Arianna. She was and remains, in ever increasing proportion, amazing. There are not enough words to describe the sensations that my heart feels when I think about her. There are no motions the body can make to express the elation in my soul. (And to think, God loves me more than that...) Her head was leaning against the side of the car seat, her tiny little head...

... Was the first thing that I remember seeing when she was born. I wasn't going to look down in the "nether area" when Heidi was at work. I had vowed to myself that I would leave the business end to the doctors and to nature and focus on Heidi's face, which, clenched in the sweaty throws of anguished determination, remained beautiful. It wasn't until I heard the doctor exclaim. "There's the head!" that I hastily broke my vow and dove with eagerness into the new life that was entering the world. Sure enough, there was a little head, a tiny little head, with her eyes closed, wondering what in the world was happening to the world. I exclaimed in echo the sentiments that had been, only moments prior, uttered to perfection by our doctor, "There's the head. There's a head!" In response, the most amazing thing happened. Arianna opened her eyes and looked straight into mine. It was as if she heard my voice and she new me when I called. That was it. I melted like a tuna melt, like a stick of butter, like an ice-cream in Florida. I knew at that moment that I never ever wanted to let her down...

... I pulled the car into a vacant parking spot next to a white Audi A4. I say this because I had bought that car too and what was once something that excited me, had turned into something that made me tense and left my knees week. I looked at the woman driving the car, I knew who she was, but I didn't recognize her. She was stunning. Her blonde hair, now brown, fell down her back in waves of softness. Her green hazel eyes danced happily. I hadn't seen them do that in some time. She opened the door to the Audi and stepped out. I opened my door and went to hug her, but her arms stayed fixed to her side as though some unseen strong man were holding them tight. I couldn't understand what I had done. She turned her attention swiftly to Arianna, who had now awoken. My little girl stretched and smiled widely."Mommy!" She was eager to see her. Heidi put her in the Audi. "Did you have fun with Daddy?" I couldn't take any more. I left without a word, without saying goodbye to Heidi or to Arianna. I didn' look back. I was so broken and my heart so deeply torn that I honestly fought to just breath. It started to rain even as I pulled out of the parking lot. It was as though heaven itself was weeping with me. In the back of my mind I heard a still small voice say, "I love you." He was already fighting for me, but my crying was loud and the rain was heavy, and the engine roared as I sped into the storm.