I am humble that you would chose me, a man, to place the words of your heart upon. To place your presence so close to my soul that we become one. That I might share in your vision, that I might catch your heart for the lost, that I might know of your goodness and share your love. For you redeem the broken. You call the lost to your side, you chase after them, you overturn the world and shake it to it's core that they may know you love them. Blessed be your name. Blessed be your name.
You are my son. And I delight in you. You have laughed at the enemy when he stood at your gates. My praise had been upon your lips and faithfulness had been your path. I will bless you with an increase of abundance. The presence of my spirit that you so desire. It will be for you a blessing to the end of the age that I will never remove. You will walk with me and I will walk with you and your house shall be my house and my house shall be your house. For you are loved and you are mine. Behold what I am about to do. I will make your path straight. I will usher in your inheritance and it will start for you today. I will bless your daughter and give her my favor. She is safe in my arms and I delight in her. She will touch the nations and through her heart I will bring healing that I yearn to share. They will say of the Lord he is the great healer and the One true God.
Monday, February 07, 2011
What God Would Have Me to Do
I have been feeling very strongly of late that I needed to spend more time in the word. In fact, maybe it was not so much a conviction as an intense desire to draw closer to Him. I desire His presence, His glory, His awesome love that covers all my sins and grants me grace. He has given us eyes to see and ears to hear the wonderful things that He is doing and has done. All of the mysteries of life and existence can be found in Him. "The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10
I really want to know Him more and to have Him reveal Himself to me. So, I felt the first step was to turn off the TV and the computer and spend time daily with Him in the word. I've got this little desk that I built into the upstairs wall of my house where I can read and write. It's quiet and away from things and for me, having ADD, it's a good thing. I came tonight, for the first day of my new commitment and was seeking the Lord about a matter which is very close to my heart. (I will return to this in a moment)
If you've been reading my blog then you are aware of what has been taking place over the past five years. If not, then really briefly, I am having a meeting tomorrow with my former wife to talk about our daughter. My x has remarried recently and moved to Michigan, well, she's trying to move there. We've been in court about it for the last year and it has been really challenging. All along though I really felt that God was telling me that the battle belonged to Him and that He was fighting against the spirit that sought to destroy me. Now, some of you might be thinking that I am referring to my X, but I am not. I am referring to the Spirit that was allowed to enter and destroy my family and who sought to destroy me. The first step in overcoming the spirit was forgiving. I had to forgive my wife and learn to love her regardless. There are consequences, don't get me wrong, but the bitterness that was trying to creep in fled, the anger was felt, embraced and released, and then came love. His love for her. His passionate desire to see her fall in love with Him and to heal. I continued praying for healing for her. In the mean time I had to make the hard decisions to continue with legal actions to prevent the move.
In December my x-wife came to me and I could sense something in her spirit that was different. Something had changed. There was a humility and a brokenness that had not been there before. I could recognize it because it was how I had been living for the last four and a half years. There had been times when she had been sweet to me to get what she wanted, but this was different. She wasn't sweet, she was solemn. She told me that she knew I was bitter and angry at her. I told her I was neither. I told her there were times I was angry and hurt, but that I forgave her. She mentioned something about my parents being angry too. I couldn't argue there. She said it hurt and she started to cry. She told me that she had been reading her Bible and that she read that we are to be a peace with each other. I imagine she had read Romans 12:18. Then she said she had not been at peace with me and said she would like to be and that maybe we could talk things through.
It's amazing when God puts something on your heart. You can't tell exactly what is going on, but you know that something is happening and you want to be a part of it. He was healing. I kept praying that God would allow His kingdom to invade this situation and that He would bring healing and restoration to the glory of His name. If anyone has ever been through a divorce and a custody case you know that this is impossible without His help.
So we met the other day, Heidi and I, to discuss Arianna. We actually prayed together first. We just asked that God would heal and that what was best for Arianna would be what came to pass. We even stated that if we went to court then we went to court, but that we would work together for Arianna. If we cannot come to an agreement now and a judge has to decide then we will trust that is what is best for Arianna.
It's insane being so closely bound to something and having it literally be the one thing that you feared most in life and being so near to it, but it is something that has been surrendered. Completely, surrendered. It's like a deep peace that come and lifts the concern and holds it off of you. You still have the concern, you are still deeply and intrinsically bound to it, but you have peace and the burden eases. It is trust that He loves me and that He loves Arianna and that He really wants what's best for us, and that, even if the worst imaginable thing happens, He can still heal and change our lives and turn that thing around and make it beautiful.
The verse from Psalms "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." keeps coming up and it's true. It's words are profoundly accurate. I have experienced great sorrow and I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see His goodness come. It has been the experience of that hope and in His awesome Goodness that has driven me even closer to Him. I cannot press hard enough into His heart. I am ever hungry and increasingly desiring the things of His kingdom over the things of this life. This brings me back to my desire to spend more focused time with Him.
I was getting my Bible out and was just praying about what I should read, anything else that I should read with it. Suddenly I felt Him prompt my heart that I should get "Reading Lolita in Tehran." Now, for those of you who know, it is a great book, but not one that you would consider having with your daily Bible study. I tested the spirit and heard it again so I turned on the light, went to the bookcase and found the book. I took it and my Bible to my desk and asked what I should read. I felt compelled to turn to Proverbs. I was seeking help and thought that might be a good place to start. I read a number of the verses and one caught my eye. "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12. It spoke to me some, but I was looking for more. Suddenly I felt pulled to read "Reading Lolita". I closed my Bible and opened the book expecting to read from Chapter 1 when couple of pieces of paper fell out. They were mine and I had written them almost four years ago. I knew right then that was why I had that book out. I put the book down and began to read...
"He wants to walk with me in the cool of the day. He wants a relationship with me. He desires me!... We need to respond to God's desire to walk with us in the cool of the day. Re-read John 3:16. Think about the restoration of relationship." Then I had written. "I cannot stop praying for and lifting Heidi up. She is a part of my soul. I believe honoring her is what God would have me do." Then He brought me back to Proverbs 10:12. I read it again. "but love covers over all wrongs."
I don't have all the answers, I must not be ready for them yet, but I do know that God desires me, that He is moving and healing, that He had all of this in mind when I wrote that almost four years ago, that I must continue to pray for Heidi, and to allow love to cover over ALL wrongs. All the while keeping in mind that I must be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove.
I really want to know Him more and to have Him reveal Himself to me. So, I felt the first step was to turn off the TV and the computer and spend time daily with Him in the word. I've got this little desk that I built into the upstairs wall of my house where I can read and write. It's quiet and away from things and for me, having ADD, it's a good thing. I came tonight, for the first day of my new commitment and was seeking the Lord about a matter which is very close to my heart. (I will return to this in a moment)
If you've been reading my blog then you are aware of what has been taking place over the past five years. If not, then really briefly, I am having a meeting tomorrow with my former wife to talk about our daughter. My x has remarried recently and moved to Michigan, well, she's trying to move there. We've been in court about it for the last year and it has been really challenging. All along though I really felt that God was telling me that the battle belonged to Him and that He was fighting against the spirit that sought to destroy me. Now, some of you might be thinking that I am referring to my X, but I am not. I am referring to the Spirit that was allowed to enter and destroy my family and who sought to destroy me. The first step in overcoming the spirit was forgiving. I had to forgive my wife and learn to love her regardless. There are consequences, don't get me wrong, but the bitterness that was trying to creep in fled, the anger was felt, embraced and released, and then came love. His love for her. His passionate desire to see her fall in love with Him and to heal. I continued praying for healing for her. In the mean time I had to make the hard decisions to continue with legal actions to prevent the move.
In December my x-wife came to me and I could sense something in her spirit that was different. Something had changed. There was a humility and a brokenness that had not been there before. I could recognize it because it was how I had been living for the last four and a half years. There had been times when she had been sweet to me to get what she wanted, but this was different. She wasn't sweet, she was solemn. She told me that she knew I was bitter and angry at her. I told her I was neither. I told her there were times I was angry and hurt, but that I forgave her. She mentioned something about my parents being angry too. I couldn't argue there. She said it hurt and she started to cry. She told me that she had been reading her Bible and that she read that we are to be a peace with each other. I imagine she had read Romans 12:18. Then she said she had not been at peace with me and said she would like to be and that maybe we could talk things through.
It's amazing when God puts something on your heart. You can't tell exactly what is going on, but you know that something is happening and you want to be a part of it. He was healing. I kept praying that God would allow His kingdom to invade this situation and that He would bring healing and restoration to the glory of His name. If anyone has ever been through a divorce and a custody case you know that this is impossible without His help.
So we met the other day, Heidi and I, to discuss Arianna. We actually prayed together first. We just asked that God would heal and that what was best for Arianna would be what came to pass. We even stated that if we went to court then we went to court, but that we would work together for Arianna. If we cannot come to an agreement now and a judge has to decide then we will trust that is what is best for Arianna.
It's insane being so closely bound to something and having it literally be the one thing that you feared most in life and being so near to it, but it is something that has been surrendered. Completely, surrendered. It's like a deep peace that come and lifts the concern and holds it off of you. You still have the concern, you are still deeply and intrinsically bound to it, but you have peace and the burden eases. It is trust that He loves me and that He loves Arianna and that He really wants what's best for us, and that, even if the worst imaginable thing happens, He can still heal and change our lives and turn that thing around and make it beautiful.
The verse from Psalms "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." keeps coming up and it's true. It's words are profoundly accurate. I have experienced great sorrow and I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see His goodness come. It has been the experience of that hope and in His awesome Goodness that has driven me even closer to Him. I cannot press hard enough into His heart. I am ever hungry and increasingly desiring the things of His kingdom over the things of this life. This brings me back to my desire to spend more focused time with Him.
I was getting my Bible out and was just praying about what I should read, anything else that I should read with it. Suddenly I felt Him prompt my heart that I should get "Reading Lolita in Tehran." Now, for those of you who know, it is a great book, but not one that you would consider having with your daily Bible study. I tested the spirit and heard it again so I turned on the light, went to the bookcase and found the book. I took it and my Bible to my desk and asked what I should read. I felt compelled to turn to Proverbs. I was seeking help and thought that might be a good place to start. I read a number of the verses and one caught my eye. "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12. It spoke to me some, but I was looking for more. Suddenly I felt pulled to read "Reading Lolita". I closed my Bible and opened the book expecting to read from Chapter 1 when couple of pieces of paper fell out. They were mine and I had written them almost four years ago. I knew right then that was why I had that book out. I put the book down and began to read...
"He wants to walk with me in the cool of the day. He wants a relationship with me. He desires me!... We need to respond to God's desire to walk with us in the cool of the day. Re-read John 3:16. Think about the restoration of relationship." Then I had written. "I cannot stop praying for and lifting Heidi up. She is a part of my soul. I believe honoring her is what God would have me do." Then He brought me back to Proverbs 10:12. I read it again. "but love covers over all wrongs."
I don't have all the answers, I must not be ready for them yet, but I do know that God desires me, that He is moving and healing, that He had all of this in mind when I wrote that almost four years ago, that I must continue to pray for Heidi, and to allow love to cover over ALL wrongs. All the while keeping in mind that I must be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove.
Monday, January 03, 2011
Not Just A Pile of Stones
I've been reading Bill Johnson's book Supernatural Power of a transformed mind. I've had to start it and push through it several times. It gets me so mad. Mad because I have been praying for years that I would be able to walk in the spirits power and bring healing and the kingdom. I am painfully aware of areas of unbelief and areas of doubt. Not in the existence of God or of His abilities, but in His willingness to act on my behalf should I speak to the cripple and tell her to get out of her chair, or the blind man to receive sight. I have been faithfully pursuing a deeper relationship with Him and He is meeting me with amazing revelations, joy and peace. I'm working on hope and surrendering to Him in this. It was amazing that this past year I was hit hard financially. I had no work for almost four months and when I started working I wasn't paid for almost three. I know there are people out there who have been hit worse than that, but in my case I am responsible, according to court, for certain expenses that are required by my divorce papers. I have to pay for the house, because her name is on it, I have to have insurance for our daughter, I have to have our school bills paid because they are shared jointly, I have to pay child support, and property taxes. My ex brought contempt charges against me because I was having trouble paying these things. It was incredibly stressful. On top of that she told me that she met a man from Michigan and that they were getting married and that she was moving and taking Arianna with her. I knew I couldn't let her do that. It wasn't at all good for Arianna, but I had nothing to fight it. I had to borrow money from Arianna's piggy back to get some food, (I've paid it back :) Suddenly I would have to shoulder the burden of a 325.00 and hour attorney and who knows what other costs. But I kept feeling that the Lord was telling me to trust Him. The battle belongs to Me. I went ahead and got my attorney. My parents helped with the retainer. First provision. Then after a couple of months of working the attorney had used all of the retainer and had racked up and additional $8,000. They told me that I needed to pay if we were going to move ahead and I needed a very costly evaluation done on Arianna. That landed me almost $6,000. Plus I had past bills and I had to have a house that dropped over $40,000 in value refinanced (which I had been trying for the past two years) or I could go to jail. And what is more. I had little to no work lined up for the fall. Enters God. You know the verse in Joshua where God tells him to get his men together and go out on the battlefield then stand there and watch while the Lord fought the battle for them. Well, my roommate mentioned that verse to me and felt it really applied to my situation. I felt the same thing. That God was telling me to get out of His way. It wasn't a fight against my Ex. It was a fight against the spirit that had been trying to destroy me for so long! Okay, back to the money thing. I had about a week and a half to come up with almost 10-11 thousand dollars. My friend and accountant Sue laughed, but said that we believed God could do it and would. It was amazing by the time that the bill was due I had almost $15,000 in my bank account. I got a new job out of the blue. I was paid for three months work, and friends and family came out of the wood works to bless me with enormous offerings. He is so good. My station changed in one week. I was able to pay all my bills and to date have caught up on almost everything and everyone that I owe and have been able to give some to others. I'm so greatful and I want this to be one of the many stone piles that mark God's faithful actions on my behalf and in my life. I suffered for almost eight months through that crisis and have been suffering through the separation with my wife for almost four years, but God is faithful and I have been faithful to trust Him.
Bill said, "Our troubling experience may last days, months, or years, instead of just an hour or two, but our approach should be the same. We must declare the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in the midst of our trial, even before we have an answer."
I agree. I don't know what will happen in court on February 28th, and I don't know if I will have to go to jail. I certainly hope not, but I know that God is faithful and through my struggles I have come to be able to trust Him with any outcome, knowing that He loves me and that He can take anything, no matter what, and turn it around and make it good. He can redeem anything and anyone. He has given me such peace and he has restored my hope. I believe that I won't have to go to jail and that Arianna will stay with me. It is what is right and it is what is best for her, but I don't know for sure. None the less, I pray that the God of peace will bring peace. I have forgiven Heidi and I have let go of any right I think I have for justice for the pain she caused and I seek His justice and His healing for Heidi and His protection over Arianna. I will help God bring His kingdom into this situation and will overcome evil, no matter it's source, with good.
Bill said, "Our troubling experience may last days, months, or years, instead of just an hour or two, but our approach should be the same. We must declare the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord in the midst of our trial, even before we have an answer."
I agree. I don't know what will happen in court on February 28th, and I don't know if I will have to go to jail. I certainly hope not, but I know that God is faithful and through my struggles I have come to be able to trust Him with any outcome, knowing that He loves me and that He can take anything, no matter what, and turn it around and make it good. He can redeem anything and anyone. He has given me such peace and he has restored my hope. I believe that I won't have to go to jail and that Arianna will stay with me. It is what is right and it is what is best for her, but I don't know for sure. None the less, I pray that the God of peace will bring peace. I have forgiven Heidi and I have let go of any right I think I have for justice for the pain she caused and I seek His justice and His healing for Heidi and His protection over Arianna. I will help God bring His kingdom into this situation and will overcome evil, no matter it's source, with good.
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