I am humble that you would chose me, a man, to place the words of your heart upon. To place your presence so close to my soul that we become one. That I might share in your vision, that I might catch your heart for the lost, that I might know of your goodness and share your love. For you redeem the broken. You call the lost to your side, you chase after them, you overturn the world and shake it to it's core that they may know you love them. Blessed be your name. Blessed be your name.
You are my son. And I delight in you. You have laughed at the enemy when he stood at your gates. My praise had been upon your lips and faithfulness had been your path. I will bless you with an increase of abundance. The presence of my spirit that you so desire. It will be for you a blessing to the end of the age that I will never remove. You will walk with me and I will walk with you and your house shall be my house and my house shall be your house. For you are loved and you are mine. Behold what I am about to do. I will make your path straight. I will usher in your inheritance and it will start for you today. I will bless your daughter and give her my favor. She is safe in my arms and I delight in her. She will touch the nations and through her heart I will bring healing that I yearn to share. They will say of the Lord he is the great healer and the One true God.
Monday, February 07, 2011
What God Would Have Me to Do
I have been feeling very strongly of late that I needed to spend more time in the word. In fact, maybe it was not so much a conviction as an intense desire to draw closer to Him. I desire His presence, His glory, His awesome love that covers all my sins and grants me grace. He has given us eyes to see and ears to hear the wonderful things that He is doing and has done. All of the mysteries of life and existence can be found in Him. "The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10
I really want to know Him more and to have Him reveal Himself to me. So, I felt the first step was to turn off the TV and the computer and spend time daily with Him in the word. I've got this little desk that I built into the upstairs wall of my house where I can read and write. It's quiet and away from things and for me, having ADD, it's a good thing. I came tonight, for the first day of my new commitment and was seeking the Lord about a matter which is very close to my heart. (I will return to this in a moment)
If you've been reading my blog then you are aware of what has been taking place over the past five years. If not, then really briefly, I am having a meeting tomorrow with my former wife to talk about our daughter. My x has remarried recently and moved to Michigan, well, she's trying to move there. We've been in court about it for the last year and it has been really challenging. All along though I really felt that God was telling me that the battle belonged to Him and that He was fighting against the spirit that sought to destroy me. Now, some of you might be thinking that I am referring to my X, but I am not. I am referring to the Spirit that was allowed to enter and destroy my family and who sought to destroy me. The first step in overcoming the spirit was forgiving. I had to forgive my wife and learn to love her regardless. There are consequences, don't get me wrong, but the bitterness that was trying to creep in fled, the anger was felt, embraced and released, and then came love. His love for her. His passionate desire to see her fall in love with Him and to heal. I continued praying for healing for her. In the mean time I had to make the hard decisions to continue with legal actions to prevent the move.
In December my x-wife came to me and I could sense something in her spirit that was different. Something had changed. There was a humility and a brokenness that had not been there before. I could recognize it because it was how I had been living for the last four and a half years. There had been times when she had been sweet to me to get what she wanted, but this was different. She wasn't sweet, she was solemn. She told me that she knew I was bitter and angry at her. I told her I was neither. I told her there were times I was angry and hurt, but that I forgave her. She mentioned something about my parents being angry too. I couldn't argue there. She said it hurt and she started to cry. She told me that she had been reading her Bible and that she read that we are to be a peace with each other. I imagine she had read Romans 12:18. Then she said she had not been at peace with me and said she would like to be and that maybe we could talk things through.
It's amazing when God puts something on your heart. You can't tell exactly what is going on, but you know that something is happening and you want to be a part of it. He was healing. I kept praying that God would allow His kingdom to invade this situation and that He would bring healing and restoration to the glory of His name. If anyone has ever been through a divorce and a custody case you know that this is impossible without His help.
So we met the other day, Heidi and I, to discuss Arianna. We actually prayed together first. We just asked that God would heal and that what was best for Arianna would be what came to pass. We even stated that if we went to court then we went to court, but that we would work together for Arianna. If we cannot come to an agreement now and a judge has to decide then we will trust that is what is best for Arianna.
It's insane being so closely bound to something and having it literally be the one thing that you feared most in life and being so near to it, but it is something that has been surrendered. Completely, surrendered. It's like a deep peace that come and lifts the concern and holds it off of you. You still have the concern, you are still deeply and intrinsically bound to it, but you have peace and the burden eases. It is trust that He loves me and that He loves Arianna and that He really wants what's best for us, and that, even if the worst imaginable thing happens, He can still heal and change our lives and turn that thing around and make it beautiful.
The verse from Psalms "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." keeps coming up and it's true. It's words are profoundly accurate. I have experienced great sorrow and I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see His goodness come. It has been the experience of that hope and in His awesome Goodness that has driven me even closer to Him. I cannot press hard enough into His heart. I am ever hungry and increasingly desiring the things of His kingdom over the things of this life. This brings me back to my desire to spend more focused time with Him.
I was getting my Bible out and was just praying about what I should read, anything else that I should read with it. Suddenly I felt Him prompt my heart that I should get "Reading Lolita in Tehran." Now, for those of you who know, it is a great book, but not one that you would consider having with your daily Bible study. I tested the spirit and heard it again so I turned on the light, went to the bookcase and found the book. I took it and my Bible to my desk and asked what I should read. I felt compelled to turn to Proverbs. I was seeking help and thought that might be a good place to start. I read a number of the verses and one caught my eye. "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12. It spoke to me some, but I was looking for more. Suddenly I felt pulled to read "Reading Lolita". I closed my Bible and opened the book expecting to read from Chapter 1 when couple of pieces of paper fell out. They were mine and I had written them almost four years ago. I knew right then that was why I had that book out. I put the book down and began to read...
"He wants to walk with me in the cool of the day. He wants a relationship with me. He desires me!... We need to respond to God's desire to walk with us in the cool of the day. Re-read John 3:16. Think about the restoration of relationship." Then I had written. "I cannot stop praying for and lifting Heidi up. She is a part of my soul. I believe honoring her is what God would have me do." Then He brought me back to Proverbs 10:12. I read it again. "but love covers over all wrongs."
I don't have all the answers, I must not be ready for them yet, but I do know that God desires me, that He is moving and healing, that He had all of this in mind when I wrote that almost four years ago, that I must continue to pray for Heidi, and to allow love to cover over ALL wrongs. All the while keeping in mind that I must be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove.
I really want to know Him more and to have Him reveal Himself to me. So, I felt the first step was to turn off the TV and the computer and spend time daily with Him in the word. I've got this little desk that I built into the upstairs wall of my house where I can read and write. It's quiet and away from things and for me, having ADD, it's a good thing. I came tonight, for the first day of my new commitment and was seeking the Lord about a matter which is very close to my heart. (I will return to this in a moment)
If you've been reading my blog then you are aware of what has been taking place over the past five years. If not, then really briefly, I am having a meeting tomorrow with my former wife to talk about our daughter. My x has remarried recently and moved to Michigan, well, she's trying to move there. We've been in court about it for the last year and it has been really challenging. All along though I really felt that God was telling me that the battle belonged to Him and that He was fighting against the spirit that sought to destroy me. Now, some of you might be thinking that I am referring to my X, but I am not. I am referring to the Spirit that was allowed to enter and destroy my family and who sought to destroy me. The first step in overcoming the spirit was forgiving. I had to forgive my wife and learn to love her regardless. There are consequences, don't get me wrong, but the bitterness that was trying to creep in fled, the anger was felt, embraced and released, and then came love. His love for her. His passionate desire to see her fall in love with Him and to heal. I continued praying for healing for her. In the mean time I had to make the hard decisions to continue with legal actions to prevent the move.
In December my x-wife came to me and I could sense something in her spirit that was different. Something had changed. There was a humility and a brokenness that had not been there before. I could recognize it because it was how I had been living for the last four and a half years. There had been times when she had been sweet to me to get what she wanted, but this was different. She wasn't sweet, she was solemn. She told me that she knew I was bitter and angry at her. I told her I was neither. I told her there were times I was angry and hurt, but that I forgave her. She mentioned something about my parents being angry too. I couldn't argue there. She said it hurt and she started to cry. She told me that she had been reading her Bible and that she read that we are to be a peace with each other. I imagine she had read Romans 12:18. Then she said she had not been at peace with me and said she would like to be and that maybe we could talk things through.
It's amazing when God puts something on your heart. You can't tell exactly what is going on, but you know that something is happening and you want to be a part of it. He was healing. I kept praying that God would allow His kingdom to invade this situation and that He would bring healing and restoration to the glory of His name. If anyone has ever been through a divorce and a custody case you know that this is impossible without His help.
So we met the other day, Heidi and I, to discuss Arianna. We actually prayed together first. We just asked that God would heal and that what was best for Arianna would be what came to pass. We even stated that if we went to court then we went to court, but that we would work together for Arianna. If we cannot come to an agreement now and a judge has to decide then we will trust that is what is best for Arianna.
It's insane being so closely bound to something and having it literally be the one thing that you feared most in life and being so near to it, but it is something that has been surrendered. Completely, surrendered. It's like a deep peace that come and lifts the concern and holds it off of you. You still have the concern, you are still deeply and intrinsically bound to it, but you have peace and the burden eases. It is trust that He loves me and that He loves Arianna and that He really wants what's best for us, and that, even if the worst imaginable thing happens, He can still heal and change our lives and turn that thing around and make it beautiful.
The verse from Psalms "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." keeps coming up and it's true. It's words are profoundly accurate. I have experienced great sorrow and I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see His goodness come. It has been the experience of that hope and in His awesome Goodness that has driven me even closer to Him. I cannot press hard enough into His heart. I am ever hungry and increasingly desiring the things of His kingdom over the things of this life. This brings me back to my desire to spend more focused time with Him.
I was getting my Bible out and was just praying about what I should read, anything else that I should read with it. Suddenly I felt Him prompt my heart that I should get "Reading Lolita in Tehran." Now, for those of you who know, it is a great book, but not one that you would consider having with your daily Bible study. I tested the spirit and heard it again so I turned on the light, went to the bookcase and found the book. I took it and my Bible to my desk and asked what I should read. I felt compelled to turn to Proverbs. I was seeking help and thought that might be a good place to start. I read a number of the verses and one caught my eye. "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12. It spoke to me some, but I was looking for more. Suddenly I felt pulled to read "Reading Lolita". I closed my Bible and opened the book expecting to read from Chapter 1 when couple of pieces of paper fell out. They were mine and I had written them almost four years ago. I knew right then that was why I had that book out. I put the book down and began to read...
"He wants to walk with me in the cool of the day. He wants a relationship with me. He desires me!... We need to respond to God's desire to walk with us in the cool of the day. Re-read John 3:16. Think about the restoration of relationship." Then I had written. "I cannot stop praying for and lifting Heidi up. She is a part of my soul. I believe honoring her is what God would have me do." Then He brought me back to Proverbs 10:12. I read it again. "but love covers over all wrongs."
I don't have all the answers, I must not be ready for them yet, but I do know that God desires me, that He is moving and healing, that He had all of this in mind when I wrote that almost four years ago, that I must continue to pray for Heidi, and to allow love to cover over ALL wrongs. All the while keeping in mind that I must be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove.
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