It is No Longer an Option

I was praying today, asking the question of why there are some sins that are so hard to avoid, while others are so easy. I heard the spirit say the difference is that I make that particular sin, the one I have a problem with, an option. It becomes a viable choice for me that I consider a possibility. Murder, not an option, therefore it is never a temptation or concern. Stealing, not an option. In my mind it does not even show up as a possibility. But, something like lust or greed. I don't want them, but they are somehow a possibility within my mind. Sometimes, they sneak up on my quickly, sometimes they are slow and premeditated, but in all cases I have allowed my mind to consider them as a possibility. It happens when I begin to justify or make excuses, then I find a place where I can accept my reasons for acting in a way contrary to my new nature. I allow my flesh an audience with my spirit, and my flesh then convinces my mind that the things I desire are somehow good for my spirit too. I have found it is easier to resist temptation when I am fasting, fasting and praying. I was thinking about that today. Why is it easier to resist temptation when I am fasting? Here's what I realized. First, and most obvious, I am surrendered to God and aware of my commitment to Him. I am more aware of the sin crouching at my door and I have time to arrest those thoughts and take them to the cross, and secondly, because I am in a covenant with God regarding whatever it is I have chosen to fast, it becomes harder to justify my actions. The thing that I struggle with is no longer a possibility. To stay in that place is key to victory, and I think that it takes time with things we are deeply connected to. It takes constant prayer, surrender, and a conscientious effort to bring our minds to an understanding that it is no longer an option.

Thinking About Dreams

I was thinking about dreams the last couple of days. In fact, I was talking to my father about them. Not sleep dream, but our own deepest and personal desires. I have all of these dreams pent up inside of me Lord. They are frustrated by life, people, circumstances. I'm thankful that I have been able to surrender the to you. I still desire them, but they no longer define me as a person. I was talking to dad the other day and I told him, "Thank you for giving up so much for Brie and me, for sacrificing so much." He had been a really successful advertising director, but was gone before my sister and I woke up and back after we went to be. So he suddenly gave it all up. The money, the prestige, the growing recognition and we moved to England. We spent every weekend, as a family, driving and walking the British country side. He said, "Son, the greater sacrifice would have been to chance those dreams and miss out on raising you kids." He really meant it. He went on to say that he learned the real meanings of life through his family. He told me that the dreams he had had as a child were just that, the dreams of a child. He did not know what real value there was in other things. He told me that our dreams should grow and mature as we do. That if we recognize them, try our best and surrender the outcome, we grow, and so do our dreams. Then our lives really begin to impact people and we find deep fulfillment. We find satisfaction and we have a strong platform from which to pursue our newly refined, just as valid, dreams.
What a fantastic lesson it has been for me too. I have so many dreams and I have been learning to surrender them. I was praying one time and said.
"Lord, please help me get the chance to direct a film." Then that still small voice prompted my heart.
"Really, just one? Will you really be satisfied. One film and then you're done"
I realized the answer right away. It would be just one more, then one more, then... I would never be satisfied. Then I heard the voice again.
"Then I challenge you to be content with where you are right now. Enjoy what you're working on today and be completely content, then if and when the time come for you to direct your first feature you will be able to enjoy it all the more."
I'm paraphrasing what I heard this time, but it's message was what was really important. We must never give up on our dreams, but we must not let them control our lives, our happiness, and our joy. We need to be content with where we are so as we move forward we get the most out of every day. That way nothing goes unnoticed, no blessing passes without a praise, no quiet shifting in our hearts toward the very things that we seek. I am content now. I am still dreaming, I am still pursuing my goals, but I've added some new ones to the mix. Everyday I want to be a better father and a better man. I want my life to bring healing to the hurting. I desire to minister to broken homes and children without fathers. I still want to make movies, but now I want to incorporate those dreams into fulfilling my new callings. We'll see what happens.
Thanks father for the chance to dream, the ability to imagine and to create. I am made in your image, but it is flawed and so what I think is best for me, isn't always best, so I surrender my dreams and ask that you would help me fulfill them in your time and in your way. In the mean time let my life make a difference while I'm on my way!



How many films will you have to direct until you've made it. Until you fulfill your dream? Just

The Fear We Give Them

I was talking to my father tonight and he was praying with me and there was something he said while he was praying that stuck in my mind. It was this, "Our actual circumstances fall far short of the fear that we lend them." I was thinking about that and thinking about my circumstances. I think prior to what I had been experiencing I really didn't have fear, but now that I am aware of the level and depth of pain we can experience, I find myself afraid and I think about the future with a hesitation and an apprehension. I find it challenging to find solace in the fact that if the bad things happen I will be comforted. I'd rather they not happen, and the thought of them occurring makes me scared. But I do dwell on it, if I allow myself, and it grows in the recesses of my imagination until it chokes off all hope and I have condemned myself to the worst outcome before the verdict has even been rendered. I read a great quote, one of my favorite in fact, that deals directly with this. "He that has so many causes for joy and so great, choses to sit down on his little handful of thorns. Enjoy the blessings of this day, if God sends them, and the evils of it, bear patiently and sweetly. For this day is only ours. We are dead to yesterday and are not yet born to tomorrow. For if we look abroad and bring into one day the evils of many, certain and uncertain, what will be and what will never be, our burden will be as intolerable as it is unreasonable."

Lord, help me overcome my fear. I surrender the outcome of tomorrow to you today. For I cannot predict what it has in store, and I don't even know if I'll be in it. I have a good feeling I will, but I don't know for sure. Lord bless my daughter and fill her heart with joy. Give her peace and protect her heart from all that would seek to do her harm.

Is there anything I should be doing?
"Counting."
Counting what?
"The number of times I have told you I love you."
I can't count that high.
"I know. No one can. Listen to the hope I put in your heart when I formed you. Listen to it beating out your name. Each thumping is a record, a testimony of my faithfulness to you and my love for you. Be strong and hold on to my hand. Take my helm and follow. Close your eyes and listen to my voice, sense my presence and let me lead. Stop striving. Stop fighting and surrender. This battle is mine and I will have my will done."
I surrender to your precious will. Father. Heal my heart. In the deepest places. I open myself to you. You have exposed my fear, make it courage. You have exposed my doubt, make it faith. I love you!!!

On Providing

God, you have been so faithful to provide for me. It was hard to surrender on how I think it should be done. Maybe it's pride, but I had always imagined that you providing for me was you helping me get work and blessing me through the fruits of my hands. During this time of my life you have been using others to help me and I am truly humbled and grateful. I still must admit there is a huge piece of me that wishes you would open a door for me and use me, the things I can do, and my talents to provide. I feel like I am taking advantage of people if they have to give me anything. I feel helpless and it makes me angry to feel that way. Thank you though that you have been so good to me. Your love for me has overwhelmed me and I find myself torn between dancing and weeping. Either way, may your name be praised, through my sorrow and through my joy. Receive blessing from it all. I am thankful that I am in a place where I am reminded daily to ask for your provision. I have realized that it is you how gives all good things. I know this. I have done everything within my earthly power. I have applied to countless jobs, made numerous phone calls, and have tried to get serving jobs that fell through. I even had a plan to get a job at the Old Spaghetti factory on Monday, but the city flooded and the restaurant it closed. It's almost funny. I don't want to leave this place though until I am ready, because I never, please, never, want to be back here :) Thanks for letting my parents move in, thanks for Salle Mae working with me, thanks for my mortgage company working with me. I started to feel sorry for myself today and quickly rebuked it, remembering all that I have to be thankful for and all of the people who lost everything in the flood. Each trial we face is an opportunity to become the people we were created to be. Filled with life, power, joy, and peace.

What it Takes to Move On

So today I was sitting in the library and I was working on putting together a business proposal. It's a really great idea I've got, but I was having a hard time finding the words that I wanted to put down and the order to do it in. That's the real trouble with me, the order. Which comes first when I'm not sure how to do any of it. When this happens I often times do nothing. That's something that is hard to face with me. I was really frustrated with myself and came home to work on the concept for kids film. I've got a great start on it, but kept running into brain farts that linger. I was again frustrated and felt like any attempt that I made to move forward was hindered. So I guess that's why I'm here right now.Wondering what I am supposed to do. I want to do something, anything that will help me feel like I'm not just sitting and.... waiting.

I know, I know. Waiting is what we're supposed to do sometimes, but when I begin to get antsy... I have a lot on my plate right to deal with emotionally and I am rushing. Creditors are calling because I haven't had, until recently, any work for a while. And Heidi is getting remarried... I still can't believe that Heidi is getting remarried. It was just the other day that she told me, I actually had to pull it out of her by asking her about Arianna's schooling. She was getting married and moving to Michigan and said she was taking Arianna. She had already taken my family, my money, and my daughter, and now she wanted to take her to another State to be with some man I knew nothing about. I was so deeply hurt. I pulled over to the side of the road and wept bitterly. I didn't know what else to do at the moment. It felt like the knife was still in my back and Heidi always knew right were to find it. I knew I had to do something, I couldn't let Heidi take her to Michigan. It isn't what's best for Arianna at all. She needs me more than anything.

It's hard to deal with this pain, but like I said before, something is different. At this moment I have peace. I was praying today about how to get things finished, about how to deal with my sorrow and I felt in my Spirit, that still small voice saying, "You just do it. You have to make up your mind to do it." So, I'm working on making up my mind. It's crazy now. Besides knowing that I want to be with my daughter I don't know what I really want and it makes it hard to get traction on anything.