A Letter About My Friend

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, “A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature.” How right he was. It is a rare and blessed thing in life to have a genuine friend. It is of worth greater than gold to have a companion that you can count on, a person you can rely on to speak the truth in love and to offer wisdom, consol, and a shoulder to cry on in balanced measure. It is a position of greatness to which many aspire and to which few ever attain. And where its value may appear to recline in quantity, friendship is rather an issue of quality. Its true beauty being found in this, while you are born into your family by lot and they have you thrust upon them, a friend has no such obligation and by election takes upon him or herself the mantel of camaraderie. Therefore, I consider myself blessed. For in this life I have found such a friend, a man of honor and integrity whose life is manifest by careful introspection and a humbling consideration for others. And so it is my esteemed privilege to present to you Mr. Gene Philbrook as such a man.

Having known Gene since high school and having spent time walking with him through many trials and hardships, joys and successes I can attest firsthand of his noble character, his genuine heart of love for his family and friends and the supreme example he sets for what it means to lay your life down for another. He is not only brimming with wisdom and discernment, but is also generous in their dispensation, offering constructive criticism and receiving the same with humility. Where he is weak, he is openly transparent. Where he is strong, he lends strength to others. Where he afraid, he confronts it with bravery. I would gladly give my life for this man and for what he stands for. And so now, I gladly stand beside him, holding him up before those who may accuse him, and speak defiantly against any disparaging thought or word and testify of his goodness and love. This is a man that should be honored, that should be commended, and above all emulated. He is a true and worthy friend.

With all sincerity,

Jason Crossman

On Letting Go

There are seasons in life when the only option that we have is letting go. Dreams? Let them go. Spouse? Let them go. Friends, family, work... same. I have been struggling recently through a lot of things, but God has been good and faithful. Through the process I was forced to let go of my wife, my daughter, my work, my house, my cars, my credit, my pride and now my dreams. I have worked for myself for some time and this year was really taxing as the economy took its toll. I had virtually no money and had to borrow, plan, defer and the like just to make ends meet. Over the course of the last nine or so months I have been crying out that God would provide for me and He has finally answered in the form of a salaried job. Now this might sound like a great thing to most people, but to me it is a type of defeat. Why? Because I set out to pursue my dreams, I really want to direct feature films and I want to own my own company where I am the boss and where I have control over the ideas, projects, times, and schedules. Where I have the freedom to create without the constraints of form and regimentation I associate with working for another company. I have had an amazing offer and I am very aware of how much I need this in my life right now. How good it is for my daughter and what this is going to free me up to be able to do. I'm even going to be able to keep and work with my current clients. It's going to allow me to pay off debts and write in a less stressful environment. Of course this is going to be a good thing, but it's not how I planned and imagined it, so I am being required to let go. I keep feeling God telling me that He is going to bless me above and beyond anything that I could ask or imagine and that this is part of His plan for me right now. As I was praying asking Him to forgive me for complaining in my heart, the word Mana came into my mind. Mana, is the food that God provided the Israelites when they were in the desert/wilderness for almost 40 years. It literally means, "What is it?". They complained about it too, a lot. God had promised them a land flowing with milk and honey, but this is what God gave them. I realized that this is like my mana. It is provision, maybe not what I want right now, but the truth behind the Israelites sin and behind mine too is that it is the belief that God would not honor his promise. That this was it. I felt Him prompt my heart with a question. Do you think that this is all I have for you, when I told you there was something far better? The Isrealites had to eat mana for a time, but the day was coming when God was going to move them somewhere else. Until that day came they should have been thankful for what they had because otherwise they would have died in the wilderness.
I have been floundering these past years, stuck in a cycle of working enough to just pay the bills. This job is going to give me the chance to work on things I want to, like my short films, music videos, my book and projects overseas. I just have to let go of how I think it should be done, eat my mana, and be thankful that God is not leaving me in the wilderness to die, but is leading me to a place where I might have life and have it to the fullest. (Again, that might not always be what I think it will look like, but it will be perfect for the me that He created me to be!

Trying to Deal with Anger

Lord. I know there is anger in my heart. I should have felt this way a long time ago. I have been ripped, and pulled, and run over and it was all for love that I allowed myself to be mistreated. I think now that my love for Heidi has changed and I have really let go I am experiencing what has been happening to me for years though open eyes. I am furious that Heidi would try to take Arianna to Michigan and I am furious that she believes that it is in Arianna's best interest! It makes me so mad that she is being so utterly selfish. It burns me that I have to have conversations with my daughter about another man in her life yelling at her. It hurts that I have a daughter that is telling me that I lied, when that is something that I don't do. I've been able to talk to Arianna about it. I knew that I couldn't just say. No Arianna mommy is wrong. Because that is one of the main things that Arianna is experiencing. Mommy saying one thing, Larry saying something different, and me saying another thing. Thanks for giving me wisdom on how to handle that. Rather than tell her what to think I want to teach her how to think for herself. I told her to look at my life, to watch me, to see how I behave and if someone says something about me, regardless of who it is, I told her to compare that with what she knows about me and how she sees me behave.
Now, back to my anger. I keep reminding myself that Heidi is still a child of God and that He loves her just as much as he loves me, regardless of what she is doing. If I say anything bad about her or pull her down I am hurting His heart, Arianna's heart, and mine as well. So I am choosing to forgive, setting boundaries, and walking in love. Sometimes strong love that has to say no and stands up for what is right. I've also just been asking Him for His peace and joy and he has been pouring it into my heart. It is hard sometimes and I ache and cry. It is the most pain I have ever felt before and the most angry I have ever been at someone or at a situation. Please protect my heart Lord, give me your eyes, your wisdom, and may your light shine through me. Use this situation to bring your kingdom closer, to bring healing, and to bring joy and hope. I am excited about the future, about the things that I will learn about you and about your kingdom. I am excited to the joy that lies ahead and to separating myself from the harmful things done to me in the past. Learning from them, but laying them down at the foot of the cross.