I Cannot Express

My sweet Lord. My awesome father. I just want to share how grateful I am and how humbled I am at your love and your mercy. You have brought me such great joy, even in the midst of my sorrow. You lift my head and you set me free. In the last three months you have healed my back completely, you have restored my sight, have provided for all of my bills, you have given me work and have blessed me above and beyond anything that I could ask or imagine. You have filled my heart with joy and my house with dancing.  I just wanted to make sure that you knew, that I knew, that you knew everything I needed, inside and out, and how you have come through. Even more I just want to tell you how much I love you. Even before I saw the answers to my prayers, even before I know what will be I want you to know that I love you!

The Fountain of the Lord’s Love:

Psalm 36- October 10^th, 2010

The Fountain of the Lord’s Love:

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness to the skies.

Your love is so great Lord. And in all my life I have found no other love that can compare to yours, or who can fully satisfy the desires of my heart. It burns me when I cannot feel your love. Why does that happen, because you never stop loving me, and does it matter that I can’t feel it. Isn’t it in times like this in which it begins to become more about trusting that you love me? It is having faith in your love. You love me no matter what and that will not and cannot change.

What about when you say, or rather, when it says in your word. Jacob I loved, but Essau I hated. Did you really hate him?

I hated what he stood for. He scoffed at my blessing and poured out what I had called him to. I would have given him everything if he had stepped up and reached for what mattered. Instead it went to Jacob, a man who was intent on pursuing the things that matter. At first it was about what he could get from me. He wanted my blessings because he knew that I was the one that gave them. He wanted my favor, because he knew my favor satisfies. It was not until later in his life that He came to understand me and he sought me over the things that I would give Him. He learned that an encounter with me will change you. You cannot experience me without being changed or, if there is no change, scarred.

There’s an interesting verse before this. It says that a wicked man has no fear of the Lord before his eyes, for in his own eyes he flatters himself so much that he fails to detect or hate his own sin. Is that why pride is such folly. Because no matter how good a man may be he comes to a place where, if he is to proud, he cannot look beyond the man he is into the great part he plays in this world and the next. He cannot see how far he has fallen from the glory that is his. He cannot possibly understand how far he has to go, not because of how imperfect he is, but because of how perfect he can be. How much he can be like the man that God intended him to be. His pride causes him to forfeit his greatest gift, the chance to become glorious. 

A Letter About My Friend

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, “A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature.” How right he was. It is a rare and blessed thing in life to have a genuine friend. It is of worth greater than gold to have a companion that you can count on, a person you can rely on to speak the truth in love and to offer wisdom, consol, and a shoulder to cry on in balanced measure. It is a position of greatness to which many aspire and to which few ever attain. And where its value may appear to recline in quantity, friendship is rather an issue of quality. Its true beauty being found in this, while you are born into your family by lot and they have you thrust upon them, a friend has no such obligation and by election takes upon him or herself the mantel of camaraderie. Therefore, I consider myself blessed. For in this life I have found such a friend, a man of honor and integrity whose life is manifest by careful introspection and a humbling consideration for others. And so it is my esteemed privilege to present to you Mr. Gene Philbrook as such a man.

Having known Gene since high school and having spent time walking with him through many trials and hardships, joys and successes I can attest firsthand of his noble character, his genuine heart of love for his family and friends and the supreme example he sets for what it means to lay your life down for another. He is not only brimming with wisdom and discernment, but is also generous in their dispensation, offering constructive criticism and receiving the same with humility. Where he is weak, he is openly transparent. Where he is strong, he lends strength to others. Where he afraid, he confronts it with bravery. I would gladly give my life for this man and for what he stands for. And so now, I gladly stand beside him, holding him up before those who may accuse him, and speak defiantly against any disparaging thought or word and testify of his goodness and love. This is a man that should be honored, that should be commended, and above all emulated. He is a true and worthy friend.

With all sincerity,

Jason Crossman

On Letting Go

There are seasons in life when the only option that we have is letting go. Dreams? Let them go. Spouse? Let them go. Friends, family, work... same. I have been struggling recently through a lot of things, but God has been good and faithful. Through the process I was forced to let go of my wife, my daughter, my work, my house, my cars, my credit, my pride and now my dreams. I have worked for myself for some time and this year was really taxing as the economy took its toll. I had virtually no money and had to borrow, plan, defer and the like just to make ends meet. Over the course of the last nine or so months I have been crying out that God would provide for me and He has finally answered in the form of a salaried job. Now this might sound like a great thing to most people, but to me it is a type of defeat. Why? Because I set out to pursue my dreams, I really want to direct feature films and I want to own my own company where I am the boss and where I have control over the ideas, projects, times, and schedules. Where I have the freedom to create without the constraints of form and regimentation I associate with working for another company. I have had an amazing offer and I am very aware of how much I need this in my life right now. How good it is for my daughter and what this is going to free me up to be able to do. I'm even going to be able to keep and work with my current clients. It's going to allow me to pay off debts and write in a less stressful environment. Of course this is going to be a good thing, but it's not how I planned and imagined it, so I am being required to let go. I keep feeling God telling me that He is going to bless me above and beyond anything that I could ask or imagine and that this is part of His plan for me right now. As I was praying asking Him to forgive me for complaining in my heart, the word Mana came into my mind. Mana, is the food that God provided the Israelites when they were in the desert/wilderness for almost 40 years. It literally means, "What is it?". They complained about it too, a lot. God had promised them a land flowing with milk and honey, but this is what God gave them. I realized that this is like my mana. It is provision, maybe not what I want right now, but the truth behind the Israelites sin and behind mine too is that it is the belief that God would not honor his promise. That this was it. I felt Him prompt my heart with a question. Do you think that this is all I have for you, when I told you there was something far better? The Isrealites had to eat mana for a time, but the day was coming when God was going to move them somewhere else. Until that day came they should have been thankful for what they had because otherwise they would have died in the wilderness.
I have been floundering these past years, stuck in a cycle of working enough to just pay the bills. This job is going to give me the chance to work on things I want to, like my short films, music videos, my book and projects overseas. I just have to let go of how I think it should be done, eat my mana, and be thankful that God is not leaving me in the wilderness to die, but is leading me to a place where I might have life and have it to the fullest. (Again, that might not always be what I think it will look like, but it will be perfect for the me that He created me to be!

Trying to Deal with Anger

Lord. I know there is anger in my heart. I should have felt this way a long time ago. I have been ripped, and pulled, and run over and it was all for love that I allowed myself to be mistreated. I think now that my love for Heidi has changed and I have really let go I am experiencing what has been happening to me for years though open eyes. I am furious that Heidi would try to take Arianna to Michigan and I am furious that she believes that it is in Arianna's best interest! It makes me so mad that she is being so utterly selfish. It burns me that I have to have conversations with my daughter about another man in her life yelling at her. It hurts that I have a daughter that is telling me that I lied, when that is something that I don't do. I've been able to talk to Arianna about it. I knew that I couldn't just say. No Arianna mommy is wrong. Because that is one of the main things that Arianna is experiencing. Mommy saying one thing, Larry saying something different, and me saying another thing. Thanks for giving me wisdom on how to handle that. Rather than tell her what to think I want to teach her how to think for herself. I told her to look at my life, to watch me, to see how I behave and if someone says something about me, regardless of who it is, I told her to compare that with what she knows about me and how she sees me behave.
Now, back to my anger. I keep reminding myself that Heidi is still a child of God and that He loves her just as much as he loves me, regardless of what she is doing. If I say anything bad about her or pull her down I am hurting His heart, Arianna's heart, and mine as well. So I am choosing to forgive, setting boundaries, and walking in love. Sometimes strong love that has to say no and stands up for what is right. I've also just been asking Him for His peace and joy and he has been pouring it into my heart. It is hard sometimes and I ache and cry. It is the most pain I have ever felt before and the most angry I have ever been at someone or at a situation. Please protect my heart Lord, give me your eyes, your wisdom, and may your light shine through me. Use this situation to bring your kingdom closer, to bring healing, and to bring joy and hope. I am excited about the future, about the things that I will learn about you and about your kingdom. I am excited to the joy that lies ahead and to separating myself from the harmful things done to me in the past. Learning from them, but laying them down at the foot of the cross.

Thank You God

God, I just wanted to make sure that you knew without a shadow of a doubt that I love you! It amazing to have such an intense and true feeling for someone I cannot see, but for someone I know is there. Your presence is like life to me. Like water when I'm thirsty. I am so thankful that you have blessed me with your presence. Thanks also for my house, my job, my parents, my sister, my amazing daughter and the two and a half weeks I get to spend with her. Thanks for the struggles with money, it's building my faith and freeing me from fear. Thanks for my bed. Thanks for my wicked good car, for gas, for wisdom, for knowledge, for hope, peace, joy, friends, food, two eyes to see, ears to hear, a voice to sing your praises and to build up my friends and family. Thanks for swimming, for the sun shine, for my garden that I haven't touched, but has grown in resplendence. Thanks for my computer, for my gear, for the work that has been, is and is coming. Thank you for making me into the man that you intended me to be. Thank you for the woman you are preparing for me. Thanks for giving me the ability to make the house I live in a home. Oh, and thanks for music and creativity. Bless my creativity Lord. Increase it to overflowing! It feels so good to do what you do. Thanks for letting me be a part of the great story! I love you! I love you!

Ignatius of Loyola

The importance of maintaing a balance between our reason and our feelings (heart). Ignatius' biography appeared in the Acta Sanctorum, a Hagiography (The Study of the Saints) where one can study the life of spiritual endeavors of this man, the founder of the Order of the Jesuits. He had some great thoughts on God and some that I am not so keen on. For example, I'm not a huge believer, like him, that we are to follow the leaders of the Church with utter abandonment to reason. He went so far as to say, and I paraphrase, "If the church tells me that the white that I see is black, then it is." Despite any disagreements I might have with his theology, there is something to be said about the concept of maintaining balance between reason and our feelings. I think that God gave us reason to figure out things for ourselves during the times that He is silent; we have reason to puzzle over the emotions of the heart, the events of life, and our relationships to God and to others. I think our emotions are tied strongly to our ability to hear the voice of God, connect with the things of the spirit, and to know our heart. A balance between these two parts helps create a man/women who is capable of healthy relationships with ourselves, God, and others. We shouldn't just blindly follow our feelings but we need to acknowledge that they are part of the way that God communicates with us.
It is true that it is easy to get lost if we follow our feelings only without reason, especially if we attribute them all to God; but Ignatius and I agree with the Apostle John that we are to "not believe every spirit, but test the spirits and see if they are from God." (1 John 4:1) Do they bring life, joy, peace, or repentance or do they bring despair, turmoil, grief, and guilt? I believe God is in the process of building up, not taring down. He is taking us from emotional and spiritual youth to Mature faith, emotional health, and spiritual freedom. If it is leading us toward Christ and toward that end, then it is from God, if it doesn't then it is from the enemy or our own flesh. Peter Scazzaro says in his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, "Sometimes they are our fleshly desires or the enemy (feelings). Other times God is prodding us to a better choice. God intends that we mature in learning to recognize how he speaks and guides us through our feelings."

I know that John was talking about Spirits of false prophecy and false teaching, but isn't teaching and prophecy the product of a thought that started in the mind or heart and made its way to the mouth. Those self same thoughts that have lead many believers away from truth started in the mind of a man or a woman who was not mature in their ability to hear the voice of God and who did not test the spirit.

If our feelings lead us to health and wholeness, toward Christ, toward repentance, toward joy and peace, toward life, and the Kingdom then they are from God and they are emotions that should be embraced, even if they hurt. Happiness is not the end all that we believe it is. God has given us something far greater. He has given us joy. Where happiness is based on circumstance our joy is based on knowing who we are in Christ and that all things, good or bad work for our good (Romans 8:28) and that the testing of our faith helps us grow into mature people. (James 1:1-4) and if they lead us away from hope, joy, peace, life, then they are feelings that should be rejected and placed under the authority of Christ so they lose any power they might possess.

The Cry of the Soul (Dan Allender)
In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God. We forget that change comes through brutal honesty before God."

I came home one night and as I was passing my daughters empty room my heart broke. My wife was gone, she'd left and taken my daughter. My knees collapsed and as I was weeping and a thought came to my mind... I was crying, but I felt so alive. I felt God's presence, I felt a change happening in my heart that was making me stronger. I realized how we spend so much time trying to be happy that we miss the opportunities to be changed by our sorrow, by embracing it with the same hug that we do with happy things. I allowed myself to weep, I allowed my body to ache and my eyes to burn. I felt what the pain was doing in every part of me and how I could surrender that before God. I felt a peace and a new life that came and as soon as it was passed I thanked God for changing me and letting me be alive, even though it hurt! That's life. That's freedom from fear. To know that even when life gets bad I can live. I can find joy and I can allow God to make me stronger!