I Just Can't Express

Have you ever wondered if God ever really cared? Have you thought your prayers were given into a hurricane and you yourself were the only person who ever knew what was said before the words disappear into the wind? I've asked myself often if God heard my prayers, what they were for. But today I'm in such a place of broken humility, for It was today that my awesome God reminded me that He is there and that He loves me.

A lot of people sit around waiting for a miracle, for a God moment where He parts the ocean or stops the sun. Don't feel bad for that. I'm one of those people too. But, I've realized something more and more. God rarely does anything without involving people first. The Red Sea parted when Moses raised His hands, the Sun stood still for Joshua when he prayed, Jericho fell when the Israelites walked around it. In the New Testament God gave us the Holy Spirit. It is through us and through His spirit, the Spirit of Jesus, that He moves. It was Christ's sacrifice and the New Covenant that allowed God to involve us in His creation as He had intended to in the beginning. We now have the power to fulfill His greatest desire. To see His kingdom come and His will be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Heaven, where there is joy, where tears are dried, where sorrow is but a memory. It has begun here on earth and it has begun with and in us. We are the answer to the question, does God love us? Is there justice? Is there anyone who cares? Can anyone see my pain? Can I be healed? I can answer with a resounding yes!

Yesterday I was awaken by a call from Salle Mae informing that I had not paid my school bill. I was well aware of that, I haven't had work in three months and I was down to nothing. I asked them what I could do and they told me they could defer the payments, but I needed my former wife's approval. I felt sick. I knew I would have to call her. Because of the divorce papers I was responsible for the school bills. I called her and asked for her help. She expressed, under no uncertain terms, her displeasure with my irresponsibility, but finally agreed to help.

I had several other creditors call as well and I had to tell them the same thing. "I'm trying to get work. I'm trying to pay my bills, I'm doing everything I can." The next thing I had to deal with was my daughter's health care. My little girl was recently submitted to the hospital, she's okay, and for that I'm so thankful, but I didn't have insurance and was left wondering what I was going to do. TennCare came and said they could cover Arianna and I was so thankful. I filled out all the paperwork and they told me that I would just have to go into the office and finish the paper work. I went into the office and waited an hour or so, filled out tons of paperwork and was lead to a nice woman who kindly informed me that I'd wasted my time and that my former wife was going to have to be the one to come fill out the paperwork because she was the primary custodian of our joint custody child.

"But I'm the one responsible for her health care, not her mom. It's in our divorce papers. (I hate divorce!)
"I'm sorry, but she has to be the one to do it."

It might have been well and good to ask my daughter's mom to come take care of the situation, but you see. I was informed earlier in the month that she was getting married and moving out of state and that was that. I am in the middle of legally contesting the move and having her come down to help me was out of the question. I was screwed and I was angry. So angry. All the pain from my loss came flooding back to me. I never wanted to lose my family. All I ever wanted was to love my wife and have her love me, to love my children and give them a home like the one I had. Diana Ross summed it up when she said "When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing." That was my childhood, and now my daughter couldn't have that. I was angry that I had been so abused. I was angry that my child was in danger of losing me. I was angry that the system would help thousands of people who were lazy and wouldn't work, but when I really needed it, the damn bureaucracy screwed me and they wouldn't help. I ran outside in the back yard and screamed my hearts pain to the sky. I knew He was there, I could sense Him holding me. I cried out. I mean really cried out. I was at the end of everything I could take. My family gone, my work gone, my cat dead, three of my grandparents dead, my hamster dead, my house robbed, my money stolen, my computer with the book I was writing gone, being forced to sell my house, in danger of losing my car , a spine injury, a damaged eye, a broken tooth, a numb arm, and child support was due. I was broken and furious. I hadn't been angry yet. I hadn't been angry at my wife for leaving me. I was too in love. It should have been very obvious; she didn't care a thing about me. It came to me now, along with the realization that I had believed so many of the things that she had said about me that just were not true. I was mad about that too.

I prayed continually and called my mom. She was such a great encouragement to me and as I weeded my garden I felt a peace beginning to wash over me. He was there and He loved me. I know that all thing do work for good. He can take the bad and make it good, and I knew that the man that I am becoming is going to be greater and even more amazing than I already am :) I knew I had to have insurance so I asked my mom if I could borrow some money. I had $130.00 for food and gas, but I had to get insurance so they gave me enough to help me cover the $204.00 premium. I had a couple dollars left. That was it. I had to spend that money on insurance because I couldn't get the state to help. However, it was done. I had insurance and shortly after, in fact, while I was still on the phone with my mom a young couple came up and looked at my house. They stayed for almost an hour and really loved it. They told me they would be getting back with me and that they needed to get pre-approved. Even if they don't buy it, it was so encouraging. It came at the perfect moment. That's God's timing. Some people say it's chance, but I know where I was emotionally and what that one thing did to strengthen my heart was more valuable to me than chance could have ever known, and if that wasn't enough...

Today I woke up with a text from my friend Michelle. She just wanted to let me know she was praying for me. Then I got a call from my father who asked if I would meet him at the mall. He took me out to buy me some nice clothes for a job interview. It was such a blessing, then I went to meet my friends Dean and Cindy. Cindy made dinner and we all enjoyed and awesome meal. Then we went up to their music room and sang worship songs and they prayed over me. It was so healing, so wonderful and they poured life into me. God's life. The kind that can feel peace in the midst of a storm and joy when calamity is at the door. They went on to bless me further and gave me money. They shared that they felt led to bless me earlier that day. We had just been talking at dinner how we felt it was the churches job to help those in the community who were in need.

God loves us!!! I said it on the saddest day and I say it today on this happy day. He is faithful. I have learned to surrender everything to Him. To lay it at His feet. That means I do my best with what life has given me and I let go of the results. I just can't adequately express my joy and hope. It is a peace that passes all understanding. I'm just going to accept it for what it is and be thankful. I know He loves me!!!

I can't wait to share these blessing with my daughter, with my family, and with those lives who paths cross my way.