Weary of Doing Good?

Galatians 6:9 stepped out of the Bible to me tonight. It's amazing how the words live in a one dimensional place and then suddenly, as though I had 3D glasses, they jump off the page and into my heart. What amazing power your word has to change, renew, and transform. 


The verse is "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up" (NLT). This meant a lot for me, because of the mountain that I face before me. There are definitely powers at work. Forces of evil and darkness that lurk behind even the most simple of human actions. Some might be fueld by our choices, some maybe created by them, still others use our words and choices to piggy back there agendas into our lives. If we do not recognize them, then they will remain, they will fester, and they will grow. I love the thought of a mustard seed being the idea of a simple faith, but it is also conversely true. That a simple lie, no matter how small, when it is planted and allowed to grow can end up becoming the tree that blocks out the sun. 


There are several spirits that have been attacking me for years. The first is the spirit of guilt. I've struggled with it for years and in the last four years I've been set free of it, mostly. It doesn't have the power to pull me into self misery like it once did. But it is still a force that I must contend with. I always have felt that I fall short of the mark that God has for me, and even though I'm saved, that somehow He is disappointed with me and that there is nothing that I can do that can make Him happy. This is one of those cases in which I let the seed in and it grew into the tree that blocked out the truth. The amazing truth that God loves me more than I could ever know and that He is, in fact, in a good mood. The tree had to be chopped down. 


I am facing court coming up very soon and I am fully aware of the accusations that are being leveled against me and that, though there may be seeds of truth somewhere, they are nested in lies. The lies are going to attempt to pull me down and make me doubt myself. But the truth is, that I know, before God and man, I have walked with a heart of love, of forgiveness and compassion, joy and strength. That I have been a source of hope for so many hurting people and that God has taken what has been done to me and is turing it, as a powerful weapon, against the enemy (the the person, but the spirit behind the person) that will shatter the gates of the enemy. He will not stand against it.


 I am learning that through everything the only real control I have is over my response to any situation. And since we all know that life is filled with good and bad that it is our call as believers to stand up against injustice, and though we may fail in our endeavor we make the world a better place, none the less, and in so struggling we improve ourselves until we become the very people that God created us to be. It's awesome to think that our greatest Glory is yet to be revealed and that all of creation eagerly waits for us to be revealed. Until that day comes let us never tire of doing good. 

I Cannot Express

My sweet Lord. My awesome father. I just want to share how grateful I am and how humbled I am at your love and your mercy. You have brought me such great joy, even in the midst of my sorrow. You lift my head and you set me free. In the last three months you have healed my back completely, you have restored my sight, have provided for all of my bills, you have given me work and have blessed me above and beyond anything that I could ask or imagine. You have filled my heart with joy and my house with dancing.  I just wanted to make sure that you knew, that I knew, that you knew everything I needed, inside and out, and how you have come through. Even more I just want to tell you how much I love you. Even before I saw the answers to my prayers, even before I know what will be I want you to know that I love you!

The Fountain of the Lord’s Love:

Psalm 36- October 10^th, 2010

The Fountain of the Lord’s Love:

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness to the skies.

Your love is so great Lord. And in all my life I have found no other love that can compare to yours, or who can fully satisfy the desires of my heart. It burns me when I cannot feel your love. Why does that happen, because you never stop loving me, and does it matter that I can’t feel it. Isn’t it in times like this in which it begins to become more about trusting that you love me? It is having faith in your love. You love me no matter what and that will not and cannot change.

What about when you say, or rather, when it says in your word. Jacob I loved, but Essau I hated. Did you really hate him?

I hated what he stood for. He scoffed at my blessing and poured out what I had called him to. I would have given him everything if he had stepped up and reached for what mattered. Instead it went to Jacob, a man who was intent on pursuing the things that matter. At first it was about what he could get from me. He wanted my blessings because he knew that I was the one that gave them. He wanted my favor, because he knew my favor satisfies. It was not until later in his life that He came to understand me and he sought me over the things that I would give Him. He learned that an encounter with me will change you. You cannot experience me without being changed or, if there is no change, scarred.

There’s an interesting verse before this. It says that a wicked man has no fear of the Lord before his eyes, for in his own eyes he flatters himself so much that he fails to detect or hate his own sin. Is that why pride is such folly. Because no matter how good a man may be he comes to a place where, if he is to proud, he cannot look beyond the man he is into the great part he plays in this world and the next. He cannot see how far he has fallen from the glory that is his. He cannot possibly understand how far he has to go, not because of how imperfect he is, but because of how perfect he can be. How much he can be like the man that God intended him to be. His pride causes him to forfeit his greatest gift, the chance to become glorious. 

A Letter About My Friend

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, “A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature.” How right he was. It is a rare and blessed thing in life to have a genuine friend. It is of worth greater than gold to have a companion that you can count on, a person you can rely on to speak the truth in love and to offer wisdom, consol, and a shoulder to cry on in balanced measure. It is a position of greatness to which many aspire and to which few ever attain. And where its value may appear to recline in quantity, friendship is rather an issue of quality. Its true beauty being found in this, while you are born into your family by lot and they have you thrust upon them, a friend has no such obligation and by election takes upon him or herself the mantel of camaraderie. Therefore, I consider myself blessed. For in this life I have found such a friend, a man of honor and integrity whose life is manifest by careful introspection and a humbling consideration for others. And so it is my esteemed privilege to present to you Mr. Gene Philbrook as such a man.

Having known Gene since high school and having spent time walking with him through many trials and hardships, joys and successes I can attest firsthand of his noble character, his genuine heart of love for his family and friends and the supreme example he sets for what it means to lay your life down for another. He is not only brimming with wisdom and discernment, but is also generous in their dispensation, offering constructive criticism and receiving the same with humility. Where he is weak, he is openly transparent. Where he is strong, he lends strength to others. Where he afraid, he confronts it with bravery. I would gladly give my life for this man and for what he stands for. And so now, I gladly stand beside him, holding him up before those who may accuse him, and speak defiantly against any disparaging thought or word and testify of his goodness and love. This is a man that should be honored, that should be commended, and above all emulated. He is a true and worthy friend.

With all sincerity,

Jason Crossman

On Letting Go

There are seasons in life when the only option that we have is letting go. Dreams? Let them go. Spouse? Let them go. Friends, family, work... same. I have been struggling recently through a lot of things, but God has been good and faithful. Through the process I was forced to let go of my wife, my daughter, my work, my house, my cars, my credit, my pride and now my dreams. I have worked for myself for some time and this year was really taxing as the economy took its toll. I had virtually no money and had to borrow, plan, defer and the like just to make ends meet. Over the course of the last nine or so months I have been crying out that God would provide for me and He has finally answered in the form of a salaried job. Now this might sound like a great thing to most people, but to me it is a type of defeat. Why? Because I set out to pursue my dreams, I really want to direct feature films and I want to own my own company where I am the boss and where I have control over the ideas, projects, times, and schedules. Where I have the freedom to create without the constraints of form and regimentation I associate with working for another company. I have had an amazing offer and I am very aware of how much I need this in my life right now. How good it is for my daughter and what this is going to free me up to be able to do. I'm even going to be able to keep and work with my current clients. It's going to allow me to pay off debts and write in a less stressful environment. Of course this is going to be a good thing, but it's not how I planned and imagined it, so I am being required to let go. I keep feeling God telling me that He is going to bless me above and beyond anything that I could ask or imagine and that this is part of His plan for me right now. As I was praying asking Him to forgive me for complaining in my heart, the word Mana came into my mind. Mana, is the food that God provided the Israelites when they were in the desert/wilderness for almost 40 years. It literally means, "What is it?". They complained about it too, a lot. God had promised them a land flowing with milk and honey, but this is what God gave them. I realized that this is like my mana. It is provision, maybe not what I want right now, but the truth behind the Israelites sin and behind mine too is that it is the belief that God would not honor his promise. That this was it. I felt Him prompt my heart with a question. Do you think that this is all I have for you, when I told you there was something far better? The Isrealites had to eat mana for a time, but the day was coming when God was going to move them somewhere else. Until that day came they should have been thankful for what they had because otherwise they would have died in the wilderness.
I have been floundering these past years, stuck in a cycle of working enough to just pay the bills. This job is going to give me the chance to work on things I want to, like my short films, music videos, my book and projects overseas. I just have to let go of how I think it should be done, eat my mana, and be thankful that God is not leaving me in the wilderness to die, but is leading me to a place where I might have life and have it to the fullest. (Again, that might not always be what I think it will look like, but it will be perfect for the me that He created me to be!

Trying to Deal with Anger

Lord. I know there is anger in my heart. I should have felt this way a long time ago. I have been ripped, and pulled, and run over and it was all for love that I allowed myself to be mistreated. I think now that my love for Heidi has changed and I have really let go I am experiencing what has been happening to me for years though open eyes. I am furious that Heidi would try to take Arianna to Michigan and I am furious that she believes that it is in Arianna's best interest! It makes me so mad that she is being so utterly selfish. It burns me that I have to have conversations with my daughter about another man in her life yelling at her. It hurts that I have a daughter that is telling me that I lied, when that is something that I don't do. I've been able to talk to Arianna about it. I knew that I couldn't just say. No Arianna mommy is wrong. Because that is one of the main things that Arianna is experiencing. Mommy saying one thing, Larry saying something different, and me saying another thing. Thanks for giving me wisdom on how to handle that. Rather than tell her what to think I want to teach her how to think for herself. I told her to look at my life, to watch me, to see how I behave and if someone says something about me, regardless of who it is, I told her to compare that with what she knows about me and how she sees me behave.
Now, back to my anger. I keep reminding myself that Heidi is still a child of God and that He loves her just as much as he loves me, regardless of what she is doing. If I say anything bad about her or pull her down I am hurting His heart, Arianna's heart, and mine as well. So I am choosing to forgive, setting boundaries, and walking in love. Sometimes strong love that has to say no and stands up for what is right. I've also just been asking Him for His peace and joy and he has been pouring it into my heart. It is hard sometimes and I ache and cry. It is the most pain I have ever felt before and the most angry I have ever been at someone or at a situation. Please protect my heart Lord, give me your eyes, your wisdom, and may your light shine through me. Use this situation to bring your kingdom closer, to bring healing, and to bring joy and hope. I am excited about the future, about the things that I will learn about you and about your kingdom. I am excited to the joy that lies ahead and to separating myself from the harmful things done to me in the past. Learning from them, but laying them down at the foot of the cross.

Thank You God

God, I just wanted to make sure that you knew without a shadow of a doubt that I love you! It amazing to have such an intense and true feeling for someone I cannot see, but for someone I know is there. Your presence is like life to me. Like water when I'm thirsty. I am so thankful that you have blessed me with your presence. Thanks also for my house, my job, my parents, my sister, my amazing daughter and the two and a half weeks I get to spend with her. Thanks for the struggles with money, it's building my faith and freeing me from fear. Thanks for my bed. Thanks for my wicked good car, for gas, for wisdom, for knowledge, for hope, peace, joy, friends, food, two eyes to see, ears to hear, a voice to sing your praises and to build up my friends and family. Thanks for swimming, for the sun shine, for my garden that I haven't touched, but has grown in resplendence. Thanks for my computer, for my gear, for the work that has been, is and is coming. Thank you for making me into the man that you intended me to be. Thank you for the woman you are preparing for me. Thanks for giving me the ability to make the house I live in a home. Oh, and thanks for music and creativity. Bless my creativity Lord. Increase it to overflowing! It feels so good to do what you do. Thanks for letting me be a part of the great story! I love you! I love you!

Ignatius of Loyola

The importance of maintaing a balance between our reason and our feelings (heart). Ignatius' biography appeared in the Acta Sanctorum, a Hagiography (The Study of the Saints) where one can study the life of spiritual endeavors of this man, the founder of the Order of the Jesuits. He had some great thoughts on God and some that I am not so keen on. For example, I'm not a huge believer, like him, that we are to follow the leaders of the Church with utter abandonment to reason. He went so far as to say, and I paraphrase, "If the church tells me that the white that I see is black, then it is." Despite any disagreements I might have with his theology, there is something to be said about the concept of maintaining balance between reason and our feelings. I think that God gave us reason to figure out things for ourselves during the times that He is silent; we have reason to puzzle over the emotions of the heart, the events of life, and our relationships to God and to others. I think our emotions are tied strongly to our ability to hear the voice of God, connect with the things of the spirit, and to know our heart. A balance between these two parts helps create a man/women who is capable of healthy relationships with ourselves, God, and others. We shouldn't just blindly follow our feelings but we need to acknowledge that they are part of the way that God communicates with us.
It is true that it is easy to get lost if we follow our feelings only without reason, especially if we attribute them all to God; but Ignatius and I agree with the Apostle John that we are to "not believe every spirit, but test the spirits and see if they are from God." (1 John 4:1) Do they bring life, joy, peace, or repentance or do they bring despair, turmoil, grief, and guilt? I believe God is in the process of building up, not taring down. He is taking us from emotional and spiritual youth to Mature faith, emotional health, and spiritual freedom. If it is leading us toward Christ and toward that end, then it is from God, if it doesn't then it is from the enemy or our own flesh. Peter Scazzaro says in his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, "Sometimes they are our fleshly desires or the enemy (feelings). Other times God is prodding us to a better choice. God intends that we mature in learning to recognize how he speaks and guides us through our feelings."

I know that John was talking about Spirits of false prophecy and false teaching, but isn't teaching and prophecy the product of a thought that started in the mind or heart and made its way to the mouth. Those self same thoughts that have lead many believers away from truth started in the mind of a man or a woman who was not mature in their ability to hear the voice of God and who did not test the spirit.

If our feelings lead us to health and wholeness, toward Christ, toward repentance, toward joy and peace, toward life, and the Kingdom then they are from God and they are emotions that should be embraced, even if they hurt. Happiness is not the end all that we believe it is. God has given us something far greater. He has given us joy. Where happiness is based on circumstance our joy is based on knowing who we are in Christ and that all things, good or bad work for our good (Romans 8:28) and that the testing of our faith helps us grow into mature people. (James 1:1-4) and if they lead us away from hope, joy, peace, life, then they are feelings that should be rejected and placed under the authority of Christ so they lose any power they might possess.

The Cry of the Soul (Dan Allender)
In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God. We forget that change comes through brutal honesty before God."

I came home one night and as I was passing my daughters empty room my heart broke. My wife was gone, she'd left and taken my daughter. My knees collapsed and as I was weeping and a thought came to my mind... I was crying, but I felt so alive. I felt God's presence, I felt a change happening in my heart that was making me stronger. I realized how we spend so much time trying to be happy that we miss the opportunities to be changed by our sorrow, by embracing it with the same hug that we do with happy things. I allowed myself to weep, I allowed my body to ache and my eyes to burn. I felt what the pain was doing in every part of me and how I could surrender that before God. I felt a peace and a new life that came and as soon as it was passed I thanked God for changing me and letting me be alive, even though it hurt! That's life. That's freedom from fear. To know that even when life gets bad I can live. I can find joy and I can allow God to make me stronger!

Needing Your Presence

I'm so thankful for where you have brought me Lord. You have built me up and are making me more like the man you created me to be. I have finally come to a place where your presence is what I desire most. I have surrendered and am surrendering everything to you. My hopes, dreams, future, daughter, house, career, everything and I will trust you. It might not turn out the way that I think it should, but it will turn out being what is best for me, and all things will work together for good. I pray that through my struggles and through my successes your kingdom would come and your spirit would fall upon me. Use me Lord to bring people into your kingdom and to reveal your great Love. You are my closest friend, my most faithful companion, and my life is yours. Search my spirit father, search my mind, root out all that is evil. Thank you for your work on the cross, thank you that you paid it all. I have no guilt, I am no longer under any condemnation for sin. I have been forgiven and I am free. Continue the revelation of your redeeming grace that I may know more fully the awesome power of that blessed day. I love you Lord. I love you so much.

It is No Longer an Option

I was praying today, asking the question of why there are some sins that are so hard to avoid, while others are so easy. I heard the spirit say the difference is that I make that particular sin, the one I have a problem with, an option. It becomes a viable choice for me that I consider a possibility. Murder, not an option, therefore it is never a temptation or concern. Stealing, not an option. In my mind it does not even show up as a possibility. But, something like lust or greed. I don't want them, but they are somehow a possibility within my mind. Sometimes, they sneak up on my quickly, sometimes they are slow and premeditated, but in all cases I have allowed my mind to consider them as a possibility. It happens when I begin to justify or make excuses, then I find a place where I can accept my reasons for acting in a way contrary to my new nature. I allow my flesh an audience with my spirit, and my flesh then convinces my mind that the things I desire are somehow good for my spirit too. I have found it is easier to resist temptation when I am fasting, fasting and praying. I was thinking about that today. Why is it easier to resist temptation when I am fasting? Here's what I realized. First, and most obvious, I am surrendered to God and aware of my commitment to Him. I am more aware of the sin crouching at my door and I have time to arrest those thoughts and take them to the cross, and secondly, because I am in a covenant with God regarding whatever it is I have chosen to fast, it becomes harder to justify my actions. The thing that I struggle with is no longer a possibility. To stay in that place is key to victory, and I think that it takes time with things we are deeply connected to. It takes constant prayer, surrender, and a conscientious effort to bring our minds to an understanding that it is no longer an option.

Thinking About Dreams

I was thinking about dreams the last couple of days. In fact, I was talking to my father about them. Not sleep dream, but our own deepest and personal desires. I have all of these dreams pent up inside of me Lord. They are frustrated by life, people, circumstances. I'm thankful that I have been able to surrender the to you. I still desire them, but they no longer define me as a person. I was talking to dad the other day and I told him, "Thank you for giving up so much for Brie and me, for sacrificing so much." He had been a really successful advertising director, but was gone before my sister and I woke up and back after we went to be. So he suddenly gave it all up. The money, the prestige, the growing recognition and we moved to England. We spent every weekend, as a family, driving and walking the British country side. He said, "Son, the greater sacrifice would have been to chance those dreams and miss out on raising you kids." He really meant it. He went on to say that he learned the real meanings of life through his family. He told me that the dreams he had had as a child were just that, the dreams of a child. He did not know what real value there was in other things. He told me that our dreams should grow and mature as we do. That if we recognize them, try our best and surrender the outcome, we grow, and so do our dreams. Then our lives really begin to impact people and we find deep fulfillment. We find satisfaction and we have a strong platform from which to pursue our newly refined, just as valid, dreams.
What a fantastic lesson it has been for me too. I have so many dreams and I have been learning to surrender them. I was praying one time and said.
"Lord, please help me get the chance to direct a film." Then that still small voice prompted my heart.
"Really, just one? Will you really be satisfied. One film and then you're done"
I realized the answer right away. It would be just one more, then one more, then... I would never be satisfied. Then I heard the voice again.
"Then I challenge you to be content with where you are right now. Enjoy what you're working on today and be completely content, then if and when the time come for you to direct your first feature you will be able to enjoy it all the more."
I'm paraphrasing what I heard this time, but it's message was what was really important. We must never give up on our dreams, but we must not let them control our lives, our happiness, and our joy. We need to be content with where we are so as we move forward we get the most out of every day. That way nothing goes unnoticed, no blessing passes without a praise, no quiet shifting in our hearts toward the very things that we seek. I am content now. I am still dreaming, I am still pursuing my goals, but I've added some new ones to the mix. Everyday I want to be a better father and a better man. I want my life to bring healing to the hurting. I desire to minister to broken homes and children without fathers. I still want to make movies, but now I want to incorporate those dreams into fulfilling my new callings. We'll see what happens.
Thanks father for the chance to dream, the ability to imagine and to create. I am made in your image, but it is flawed and so what I think is best for me, isn't always best, so I surrender my dreams and ask that you would help me fulfill them in your time and in your way. In the mean time let my life make a difference while I'm on my way!



How many films will you have to direct until you've made it. Until you fulfill your dream? Just

The Fear We Give Them

I was talking to my father tonight and he was praying with me and there was something he said while he was praying that stuck in my mind. It was this, "Our actual circumstances fall far short of the fear that we lend them." I was thinking about that and thinking about my circumstances. I think prior to what I had been experiencing I really didn't have fear, but now that I am aware of the level and depth of pain we can experience, I find myself afraid and I think about the future with a hesitation and an apprehension. I find it challenging to find solace in the fact that if the bad things happen I will be comforted. I'd rather they not happen, and the thought of them occurring makes me scared. But I do dwell on it, if I allow myself, and it grows in the recesses of my imagination until it chokes off all hope and I have condemned myself to the worst outcome before the verdict has even been rendered. I read a great quote, one of my favorite in fact, that deals directly with this. "He that has so many causes for joy and so great, choses to sit down on his little handful of thorns. Enjoy the blessings of this day, if God sends them, and the evils of it, bear patiently and sweetly. For this day is only ours. We are dead to yesterday and are not yet born to tomorrow. For if we look abroad and bring into one day the evils of many, certain and uncertain, what will be and what will never be, our burden will be as intolerable as it is unreasonable."

Lord, help me overcome my fear. I surrender the outcome of tomorrow to you today. For I cannot predict what it has in store, and I don't even know if I'll be in it. I have a good feeling I will, but I don't know for sure. Lord bless my daughter and fill her heart with joy. Give her peace and protect her heart from all that would seek to do her harm.

Is there anything I should be doing?
"Counting."
Counting what?
"The number of times I have told you I love you."
I can't count that high.
"I know. No one can. Listen to the hope I put in your heart when I formed you. Listen to it beating out your name. Each thumping is a record, a testimony of my faithfulness to you and my love for you. Be strong and hold on to my hand. Take my helm and follow. Close your eyes and listen to my voice, sense my presence and let me lead. Stop striving. Stop fighting and surrender. This battle is mine and I will have my will done."
I surrender to your precious will. Father. Heal my heart. In the deepest places. I open myself to you. You have exposed my fear, make it courage. You have exposed my doubt, make it faith. I love you!!!

On Providing

God, you have been so faithful to provide for me. It was hard to surrender on how I think it should be done. Maybe it's pride, but I had always imagined that you providing for me was you helping me get work and blessing me through the fruits of my hands. During this time of my life you have been using others to help me and I am truly humbled and grateful. I still must admit there is a huge piece of me that wishes you would open a door for me and use me, the things I can do, and my talents to provide. I feel like I am taking advantage of people if they have to give me anything. I feel helpless and it makes me angry to feel that way. Thank you though that you have been so good to me. Your love for me has overwhelmed me and I find myself torn between dancing and weeping. Either way, may your name be praised, through my sorrow and through my joy. Receive blessing from it all. I am thankful that I am in a place where I am reminded daily to ask for your provision. I have realized that it is you how gives all good things. I know this. I have done everything within my earthly power. I have applied to countless jobs, made numerous phone calls, and have tried to get serving jobs that fell through. I even had a plan to get a job at the Old Spaghetti factory on Monday, but the city flooded and the restaurant it closed. It's almost funny. I don't want to leave this place though until I am ready, because I never, please, never, want to be back here :) Thanks for letting my parents move in, thanks for Salle Mae working with me, thanks for my mortgage company working with me. I started to feel sorry for myself today and quickly rebuked it, remembering all that I have to be thankful for and all of the people who lost everything in the flood. Each trial we face is an opportunity to become the people we were created to be. Filled with life, power, joy, and peace.

What it Takes to Move On

So today I was sitting in the library and I was working on putting together a business proposal. It's a really great idea I've got, but I was having a hard time finding the words that I wanted to put down and the order to do it in. That's the real trouble with me, the order. Which comes first when I'm not sure how to do any of it. When this happens I often times do nothing. That's something that is hard to face with me. I was really frustrated with myself and came home to work on the concept for kids film. I've got a great start on it, but kept running into brain farts that linger. I was again frustrated and felt like any attempt that I made to move forward was hindered. So I guess that's why I'm here right now.Wondering what I am supposed to do. I want to do something, anything that will help me feel like I'm not just sitting and.... waiting.

I know, I know. Waiting is what we're supposed to do sometimes, but when I begin to get antsy... I have a lot on my plate right to deal with emotionally and I am rushing. Creditors are calling because I haven't had, until recently, any work for a while. And Heidi is getting remarried... I still can't believe that Heidi is getting remarried. It was just the other day that she told me, I actually had to pull it out of her by asking her about Arianna's schooling. She was getting married and moving to Michigan and said she was taking Arianna. She had already taken my family, my money, and my daughter, and now she wanted to take her to another State to be with some man I knew nothing about. I was so deeply hurt. I pulled over to the side of the road and wept bitterly. I didn't know what else to do at the moment. It felt like the knife was still in my back and Heidi always knew right were to find it. I knew I had to do something, I couldn't let Heidi take her to Michigan. It isn't what's best for Arianna at all. She needs me more than anything.

It's hard to deal with this pain, but like I said before, something is different. At this moment I have peace. I was praying today about how to get things finished, about how to deal with my sorrow and I felt in my Spirit, that still small voice saying, "You just do it. You have to make up your mind to do it." So, I'm working on making up my mind. It's crazy now. Besides knowing that I want to be with my daughter I don't know what I really want and it makes it hard to get traction on anything.

I Just Can't Express

Have you ever wondered if God ever really cared? Have you thought your prayers were given into a hurricane and you yourself were the only person who ever knew what was said before the words disappear into the wind? I've asked myself often if God heard my prayers, what they were for. But today I'm in such a place of broken humility, for It was today that my awesome God reminded me that He is there and that He loves me.

A lot of people sit around waiting for a miracle, for a God moment where He parts the ocean or stops the sun. Don't feel bad for that. I'm one of those people too. But, I've realized something more and more. God rarely does anything without involving people first. The Red Sea parted when Moses raised His hands, the Sun stood still for Joshua when he prayed, Jericho fell when the Israelites walked around it. In the New Testament God gave us the Holy Spirit. It is through us and through His spirit, the Spirit of Jesus, that He moves. It was Christ's sacrifice and the New Covenant that allowed God to involve us in His creation as He had intended to in the beginning. We now have the power to fulfill His greatest desire. To see His kingdom come and His will be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Heaven, where there is joy, where tears are dried, where sorrow is but a memory. It has begun here on earth and it has begun with and in us. We are the answer to the question, does God love us? Is there justice? Is there anyone who cares? Can anyone see my pain? Can I be healed? I can answer with a resounding yes!

Yesterday I was awaken by a call from Salle Mae informing that I had not paid my school bill. I was well aware of that, I haven't had work in three months and I was down to nothing. I asked them what I could do and they told me they could defer the payments, but I needed my former wife's approval. I felt sick. I knew I would have to call her. Because of the divorce papers I was responsible for the school bills. I called her and asked for her help. She expressed, under no uncertain terms, her displeasure with my irresponsibility, but finally agreed to help.

I had several other creditors call as well and I had to tell them the same thing. "I'm trying to get work. I'm trying to pay my bills, I'm doing everything I can." The next thing I had to deal with was my daughter's health care. My little girl was recently submitted to the hospital, she's okay, and for that I'm so thankful, but I didn't have insurance and was left wondering what I was going to do. TennCare came and said they could cover Arianna and I was so thankful. I filled out all the paperwork and they told me that I would just have to go into the office and finish the paper work. I went into the office and waited an hour or so, filled out tons of paperwork and was lead to a nice woman who kindly informed me that I'd wasted my time and that my former wife was going to have to be the one to come fill out the paperwork because she was the primary custodian of our joint custody child.

"But I'm the one responsible for her health care, not her mom. It's in our divorce papers. (I hate divorce!)
"I'm sorry, but she has to be the one to do it."

It might have been well and good to ask my daughter's mom to come take care of the situation, but you see. I was informed earlier in the month that she was getting married and moving out of state and that was that. I am in the middle of legally contesting the move and having her come down to help me was out of the question. I was screwed and I was angry. So angry. All the pain from my loss came flooding back to me. I never wanted to lose my family. All I ever wanted was to love my wife and have her love me, to love my children and give them a home like the one I had. Diana Ross summed it up when she said "When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing." That was my childhood, and now my daughter couldn't have that. I was angry that I had been so abused. I was angry that my child was in danger of losing me. I was angry that the system would help thousands of people who were lazy and wouldn't work, but when I really needed it, the damn bureaucracy screwed me and they wouldn't help. I ran outside in the back yard and screamed my hearts pain to the sky. I knew He was there, I could sense Him holding me. I cried out. I mean really cried out. I was at the end of everything I could take. My family gone, my work gone, my cat dead, three of my grandparents dead, my hamster dead, my house robbed, my money stolen, my computer with the book I was writing gone, being forced to sell my house, in danger of losing my car , a spine injury, a damaged eye, a broken tooth, a numb arm, and child support was due. I was broken and furious. I hadn't been angry yet. I hadn't been angry at my wife for leaving me. I was too in love. It should have been very obvious; she didn't care a thing about me. It came to me now, along with the realization that I had believed so many of the things that she had said about me that just were not true. I was mad about that too.

I prayed continually and called my mom. She was such a great encouragement to me and as I weeded my garden I felt a peace beginning to wash over me. He was there and He loved me. I know that all thing do work for good. He can take the bad and make it good, and I knew that the man that I am becoming is going to be greater and even more amazing than I already am :) I knew I had to have insurance so I asked my mom if I could borrow some money. I had $130.00 for food and gas, but I had to get insurance so they gave me enough to help me cover the $204.00 premium. I had a couple dollars left. That was it. I had to spend that money on insurance because I couldn't get the state to help. However, it was done. I had insurance and shortly after, in fact, while I was still on the phone with my mom a young couple came up and looked at my house. They stayed for almost an hour and really loved it. They told me they would be getting back with me and that they needed to get pre-approved. Even if they don't buy it, it was so encouraging. It came at the perfect moment. That's God's timing. Some people say it's chance, but I know where I was emotionally and what that one thing did to strengthen my heart was more valuable to me than chance could have ever known, and if that wasn't enough...

Today I woke up with a text from my friend Michelle. She just wanted to let me know she was praying for me. Then I got a call from my father who asked if I would meet him at the mall. He took me out to buy me some nice clothes for a job interview. It was such a blessing, then I went to meet my friends Dean and Cindy. Cindy made dinner and we all enjoyed and awesome meal. Then we went up to their music room and sang worship songs and they prayed over me. It was so healing, so wonderful and they poured life into me. God's life. The kind that can feel peace in the midst of a storm and joy when calamity is at the door. They went on to bless me further and gave me money. They shared that they felt led to bless me earlier that day. We had just been talking at dinner how we felt it was the churches job to help those in the community who were in need.

God loves us!!! I said it on the saddest day and I say it today on this happy day. He is faithful. I have learned to surrender everything to Him. To lay it at His feet. That means I do my best with what life has given me and I let go of the results. I just can't adequately express my joy and hope. It is a peace that passes all understanding. I'm just going to accept it for what it is and be thankful. I know He loves me!!!

I can't wait to share these blessing with my daughter, with my family, and with those lives who paths cross my way.

Oh What I Have Found

It's an amazing thing, God, that I sit here on the precipice of something that could turn out to be the incredibly wonderful, or amazingly painful, that I feel such a calmness. I've never faced anything so daunting or terrible. Arianna is so amazing. I love my daughter and being a part of her life is everything to me. I still am just completely floored that her mom wants to take her to Michigan. I just can't see how taking a little girl away from a father who is so deeply involved and totally devoted to her can even be something considerable.

I have all this before me and yet there is something different. Something that wasn't there last year. Peace. I have completely yielded and surrendered to you. I am afraid of pain, but it will not destroy me. I love that you put on my heart the thought that I will see Arianna for eternity, and no matter what happens I will always be with her and no matter how far life tries to take her I will always be father.

I'm sitting her listening to Enya as the rain falls outside, as the storms rage and I have such joy, such amazing hope in tomorrow. Please touch our lives, and fight for my daughter. We need you to come and strengthen our hearts. To build us up on truth, rather than on lies. Religion is dead, but you are alive. Thanks for the peace I find, thanks for the joy. I will do all that I can and then I will surrender it over to you.

"You need to surrender it to me before you try."
"You're right. I've tried it the other way. It doesn't work."

I will surrender my life and situation to you, do the best I can, then let go of the outcome, because there are some things about the future that I can't change.